oh God. she's still up.

dear blog,

don't puke just yet. i know i know, i write too much. i'm sorry. i'm trying to talk less so i need another outlet. i'm writing this so i'd remember how i feel, if i ever find myself in doubt again some time in the future.

tajuk kita hari ini ialah 'Have You Ever Questioned Yourself On Whether You Really Want To Do Medicine'. inorite. so catchy omg.

anyway. have i thought about dropping out? millions of times. there were a bunch of people who dropped out of class after first year. some found out that it's not quite their thing. some failed to cope. some just never really wanted to be there in the first place.

but those are Irish people. they pay only about 1% of the amount of fees we're paying, for the exact same thing. and they're only 18. they have the luxury of trying a course and then just go 'oh crap, this is so not my thing'...then change to Business Studies, or Arts and Literature, or something.

i'm twenty two this year. and i'm on scholarship, which means i'm spending the taxpayers' money...and i've signed the papers. i can't just bail out. literally, i can't.

so what i did was i pushed all the doubt to the back of my head, hold my chin up and moved on. but now, nearly three years into the course...i find myself head over heels with medicine. it's hard, but it is also fascinating, intriguing. now, when i think about it - i can't imagine myself being anything other than a doctor. i don't want to end up saying 'i could've been a doctor'. i want to be able to say 'i am a doctor'. i do, i desperately do.

i nearly went crazy the summer before last. i wanted to drop out of college, i wanted to run away, i wanted to ride my bike to the middle of the road and get hit by a car, and i wanted to die. no kidding. i was living at Kak Rose's apartment which was on the fourth floor and i kept wondering whether i would die if i jumped off the balcony. it's a stressful course, and if you know me well enough you can tell that i'm no iron lady. i cry ALL the freaking time and i'm ultra insecure. that failure nearly marked the end of me and it left a deep scar. i keep thinking i'm not good enough for this course, and no first class honors can erase that feeling.

i let fear get the best of me, and i can't keep on doing that. i just...i need to figure out how. for the time being i'm content and thankful that i now think of medicine as something i want to do, not something i have to do.


...and i have another problem (inorite, it seems neverending). i keep thinking my friends secretly hate me. i don't quite remember how i developed this paranoia but somehow i did. and i kept asking them whether they're mad at me, and they keep saying 'TAKLA, EH KAU KENAPE HA?' but i still think they hate me. sometimes i don't really want to talk to people outside my comfort zone because people usually take what i say the wrong way and end up hating me (BUT THAT'S PROBABLY JUST YOUR IMAGINATION LA ATIQAH PLEASE JANGAN DRAMA KAT SINI).

i've probably managed to scare you by now. i'm sorry. i'll stop.


selamat malam dunia.

(hari ni mase usrah blajar surah As-Syams, surah atiq suka baca masa smbahyang jemaah sampai mas ngan aza suke point out yg atiq die hard fan surah As-Syams. kak nang kate Rasulullah suka sangat surah tu so it made me happy :D)