The Swan Princess

I stared at my widescreen laptop. Headphone on my head, volume up to near maximum. I watched the colourful characters of the cartoon sway on the screen, piano playing in the background. My heart was numb. I cannot believe how vividly I remember everything. The lyrics of the songs, the scenes that I love. This is the first time that I have watched it again after so many years...I do not know whether it was grief that stopped me, or did I feel incomplete, watching it without my sister. The other sister. The sister that no longer is, but still remembered. Always, and forever will be.

* * *

I was fourteen. And like most average student, I had to attend tuition classes to keep up with grades. I was living with my grandfather at the big house with my little sister, Opie. Nenda just passed away, so we thought we would keep Tokku company. Every morning, Ayahnda will come pick us up and drive us to school. We could have walked, our schools were very close by. I did not quite remember the exact reason we decided not to. Perhaps it was Tokku that forbid us from walking to school.

One morning, we waited for Ayahnda to come as he always do. We waited and we waited...but alas, the car never came. Opie was a prefect, so she did not want to be late for school. So Tokku decided to send her to school, while I stayed over to wait for Ayahnda. He never came, and I was getting frustrated. But then suddenly I saw the car, but it was not Ayahnda that was driving. It was Mama.

"Bakpo Mama hok maghi?"
"Ayahndo bowok Anis gi spital, Anis keno sengat tebuey maso tido,"
"Hahah, tu la, nok sangak masok spital, masuk sungguh doh."

I chuckled. I will never forgive myself for chuckling at that moment. I did not know, Anis sayang. I did not know...

I never went to visit her at the hospital. Being a PMR candidate that year, I was at school until two, and I had tuition classes and extra classes almost everyday. I did not think much about it. I thought everything would be alright. How foolish of me. And how selfish, not even willing to skip a class for a sick sister.

It was around 6p.m., I just got out of my tuition class and decided not to walk back to Ketani, but to ask for a ride with a friend. On the way back home, I saw my mom's car speeding past us. I remember thinking how odd it was for Kakak to be driving that car, she was supposed to be in UiTM. Awah was in there too, and she was supposed to be in MRSM PC. My friend's mother turned her car around and tried to catch up with my sister. But she was driving too fast and we lost track of the car in a glimpse.

They dropped me off at Ketani, and I walked in, feeling uneasy. The door was locked. I rang the bell, but nobody answered. I walked round the house, past the pool, and tried the sliding doors, but to no luck. I went up to the front, and tried the front sliding door, also to no avail. I walked to the garage and then I saw it, slipped in between the sliding doors; a note.

'Atiq, Tokku pergi hospital. Tunggu di rumah'

Something felt very wrong. I started pacing in front of the gates, waiting for someone to come and take me there, too. I waited and I waited...And at long last, I saw a car speeding towards me. It was my cousins, Jijie, and Chieyna.

"Atiq, jom gi spital!"
"Ok!"

I was cracking jokes and telling stories in the car, having no worry at all about what was going on. I was sure that everything will be alright. But my cousins...they were silent. They wore a straight face, and after a while I gave up trying to cook up a conversation. Suddenly Jijie said,

"Atiq, Anis sakit teruk jugok."
"Oh?"

I did not think much about what Jijie said, after all, how bad could it be, right? ...wrong.

As I stepped into the elevator, I started to sense that something was horribly, horribly wrong. I do not remember whether it was Jijie and Chieyna's silence, or was there an aura that I felt, as I get closer. I remember Ayahnda telling me not to cry, and, of course, I cried straight away. I did not know what was going on, and nobody would tell me.

As I walked out the elevator, I saw a lot of people. Close relatives, distant relatives I barely knew...I was the last one to be there. I braved the walk, clad in my school uniform, tears blurring my vision. Everybody was crying, sobbing.

"Atiq!! Atiq gi mano...?? Anis tanyo Atiq...Anis tanyo Atiq..."
"Ma....? Anis mano?"

And they cried and they cried, and nobody was answering my question. I was crying, but I did not know what to think. It seemed almost impossible that it was happening to me. Surely this only happen to other people...?~

"Atiq, Anis takdok doh..."

I dropped to my knees. I almost screamed. Maybe I did. Everything was a blur afterwards. If regret were my tears, I would have been blind. After a moment, I felt somebody helping me up, holding my hands and leading me into the ICU. And then I saw her. Blue. Silent. Peaceful. Lifeless.

* * *

There were a lot of crying. We cried when we saw her clothes hanging on the clothesline. We cried when we found her diary and found out that she was bullied at school. We cried as we stared at the page that read 'Anis sayang Mama, Yah (Didie), dan Adik'. We were very mean to her. Of course she did not write our names down.

I was always yelling at her, for everything. For the remote, for ruining my things. I was always scolding her for not doing well in school, for not living up to the sisters' legacy. I was a terrible sister to her, but she was never rude at me. Perhaps she was scared of me. She was always nagging me to come watch The Swan Princess with her. I never could understand why she wanted me to watch it with her. It was up to a point where I could recite all the songs and the script all throughout the movie without fail. But I think at one point I might have yelled at her for annoying me, because I did not want to watch it again. It was boring me. So she watched it on her own. She watched it so many times that I do not even remember what happened to the CD. I think it was scratched for being played too many times, and it was not even ours.

When we were at Nenda's funeral at the graveyard, Anis was so noisy and obnoxious. She was only a little kid, of course she did not really understand that she needs to be quiet. I kept scolding her.

"Atiq, Anis mano?"
"Toktahu."

I shrugged Mama off when she asked. Suddenly I heard her voice again, telling Mama something. I did not pay much attention to it, I was busy reading the khat on the various graves.

"Atiq, Atiq!"
"Gapo?"
"Saknih, Anis baco Fatihah ko seemmoo kubur kat sano tu!"
"Mm.."

Little did I know, that about a month later, Anis would be part of the place. Living a better life in the hereafter. Without us. Without us to make her life miserable. I wish I had loved you more, Anis. I wish you knew that I actually loved you. I still do.

* * *

I am now typing this blog, missing the cheerful girl that was Tengku Yuhanis Aini. Allahyarhamah Tengku Yuhanis Aini. Innalillahi wa innailaihi raji'un. From Him we come, and to Him we shall return.

So I became this person that I am now. Intensely protective of my sisters, fascinated with every little thing they do, overwhelmingly in love with each and every one of them. Thus sometimes I may talk too much about them, brag about them, proud of what they do. I will not let another sister leave me without knowing that my love for her is so deep and immense. Because I have no power over death, but I do of my actions, biiznillah.

There will always, always, be eight letters in MAFASYNZ.
Anis, we're sorry. We love you dear, we really do.

Al-fatihah~



N.B Kakak wrote this a while back.