i'm going away to summer camp in a few days, and then i'm going back to malaysia as soon as i got back from that. i've missed seeing wonderful soleh people in a large number, and i look forward to the mountain climbing, even though i'm pretty sure i'm going to be pancit in no time and will probably be one of the last ones to reach the peak, lol. saya akan berusaha!
the coming week is going to be wonderful, and the main reason is because i asked Kakwe to take me to eat (drink?) cendol when i reach shah alam and Mama to have the delicious akok waiting for me when i reach home, yeay for genuine Malaysian foooddd, and boo to gaining weight!~!! keke.
x
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Tag, i'm it!
there's this phase where the tagging game was going around in the world of YouTube, and now it's going around in the bloggin world. and i'm tagged multiple times with multiple different tagging games, but i'm just going to make this one because it's the one i'm tagged twice with, by Kak Na and Kakak.
wow, that's one boring explanation.
Tagging rulez;
2. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
Factage
1. i have been wearing this spotty black kurung i'm wearing right this moment ever since i was fourteen. i am now twenty one.
2. i am very resistant to change. i'd sit on the same chair, eat with the same plate, sleep on the same side of the bed, the list goes on forever.
3. i've been told i look like Sazzy Falak! HAHAHAHHA oh my God, mihah is SO rabun.
4. i like Rocketdog shoes. they're really comfy.
5. i can be very cold-hearted when i want to.
6. i don't really know how to tell someone i don't like something that they really like. i don't want to offend them or something.
7. i am tired of people being judgmental towards the Kelantanese. so what if my Mom can't speak standard BM properly, it's not her fault she grew up in Kelate. and she's as fantastic a mother as any of the mothers who can speak standard BM. i don't get it.
i'm not gonna tag anyone because i don't want to :p if you wanna get in on this tagging game, you can write one and say i tagged you, k!
xx
wow, that's one boring explanation.
Tagging rulez;
1. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
Factage
1. i have been wearing this spotty black kurung i'm wearing right this moment ever since i was fourteen. i am now twenty one.
2. i am very resistant to change. i'd sit on the same chair, eat with the same plate, sleep on the same side of the bed, the list goes on forever.
3. i've been told i look like Sazzy Falak! HAHAHAHHA oh my God, mihah is SO rabun.
4. i like Rocketdog shoes. they're really comfy.
5. i can be very cold-hearted when i want to.
6. i don't really know how to tell someone i don't like something that they really like. i don't want to offend them or something.
7. i am tired of people being judgmental towards the Kelantanese. so what if my Mom can't speak standard BM properly, it's not her fault she grew up in Kelate. and she's as fantastic a mother as any of the mothers who can speak standard BM. i don't get it.
i'm not gonna tag anyone because i don't want to :p if you wanna get in on this tagging game, you can write one and say i tagged you, k!
xx
Friday, May 30, 2008
the forgotten poem
salam wbt :)
i'm about to go to sleep, but i have to blog this first.
everyone in my batch has the same black organizer thing that they gave us in the freshers pack last year, and i kept mine safely among my other notebooks. somehow, my organizer ended up on the dressing table. i thought it was Mas's, and that she left it in my room during one of the many lepak sessions we had here. so after solat isyak, i told her to take the organizer back and she was surprised of how it turned up in my room. she flicked the pages and started reading out sentences that sounded vaguely familiar..
..i was caught off guard and didn't realize that she was reading out a diary entry i wrote last year that i have completely forgotten about. thankfully she had the decency to stop half way through and handed it back to me.
it was a poem that began with a quote from a text i got from a friend. it's quite funny, the way the poem is so intense but i didn't even remember writing it until after reading the whole thing. it was about a person, but i only managed to recall who i wrote it to after, like, two minutes of staring at it with a blank face. emotions...they fade away so quickly. it's only logical to not get carried away by them, once you see how irrelevant it becomes later on. i mean, i rarely even talk to the person anymore.
i do not usually write poems about people unless they're really special. and this person certainly was - is - i don't know - special in a lot of ways. not in that way, but in a way that i learn a lot about life and about myself from the bizarre incidents that brought us together - twice - and broke us apart - also twice. i'm not exactly proud of what happened, but neither do i regret it. i appreciate it, very much so. because without it, i won't be the person that i am now.
thank you ya Rabb, for showing me a better way to live.
muhasabah before tidow.
Atiq
i'm about to go to sleep, but i have to blog this first.
everyone in my batch has the same black organizer thing that they gave us in the freshers pack last year, and i kept mine safely among my other notebooks. somehow, my organizer ended up on the dressing table. i thought it was Mas's, and that she left it in my room during one of the many lepak sessions we had here. so after solat isyak, i told her to take the organizer back and she was surprised of how it turned up in my room. she flicked the pages and started reading out sentences that sounded vaguely familiar..
..i was caught off guard and didn't realize that she was reading out a diary entry i wrote last year that i have completely forgotten about. thankfully she had the decency to stop half way through and handed it back to me.
it was a poem that began with a quote from a text i got from a friend. it's quite funny, the way the poem is so intense but i didn't even remember writing it until after reading the whole thing. it was about a person, but i only managed to recall who i wrote it to after, like, two minutes of staring at it with a blank face. emotions...they fade away so quickly. it's only logical to not get carried away by them, once you see how irrelevant it becomes later on. i mean, i rarely even talk to the person anymore.
i do not usually write poems about people unless they're really special. and this person certainly was - is - i don't know - special in a lot of ways. not in that way, but in a way that i learn a lot about life and about myself from the bizarre incidents that brought us together - twice - and broke us apart - also twice. i'm not exactly proud of what happened, but neither do i regret it. i appreciate it, very much so. because without it, i won't be the person that i am now.
thank you ya Rabb, for showing me a better way to live.
muhasabah before tidow.
Atiq
Monday, May 26, 2008
un-privated
it's just been a few days, i know. but i miss my blog, and i'd feel bad if i write a post while it's private because i promised to some people i wont be posting anything until it's un-privated (because i'm too lazy to send out invites hehe)
this week is going to be mental, i've so much to do and so little time to do it. what's driving me crazy is stuff are really expensive at this time of the year, and since i wasn't planning to go back, i didn't buy anything for anyone during the hectic winter sales. i can just go back without buying anything and it'll be fine but i'd feel really bad if i did that.
anyway the woman kinda calmed down. there's a part of me that wants to yell at her and tell her a lot of things and call her a variety of british swear words that i know she won't understand, but i refrained. she didn't say sorry for what she did, but whatever. as long as she's off my case. what kills me is the fact that she's friends with this 'friend' that i have. and i've always thought this 'friend' made a new friendster account and didn't add me because we've lost contact of sorts, and yesterday i realized that she actually deleted me. yeay. great. what fun. whoo.
i want to not care, you know. i mean, she's not really my favourite person either, but i don't hate her. and i definitely wont delete her from my friendster or anything like that. it hurts thinking about what people may be talking about me behind my back, not caring to hear my side of the story, not even bothered to ask for an explanation.
translation : ego is hurt.
bai.
p.s. i'm not announcing the un-privating of this blog because...i don't know. it feels weird promoting my blog. not that i have anything against people who do.
this week is going to be mental, i've so much to do and so little time to do it. what's driving me crazy is stuff are really expensive at this time of the year, and since i wasn't planning to go back, i didn't buy anything for anyone during the hectic winter sales. i can just go back without buying anything and it'll be fine but i'd feel really bad if i did that.
anyway the woman kinda calmed down. there's a part of me that wants to yell at her and tell her a lot of things and call her a variety of british swear words that i know she won't understand, but i refrained. she didn't say sorry for what she did, but whatever. as long as she's off my case. what kills me is the fact that she's friends with this 'friend' that i have. and i've always thought this 'friend' made a new friendster account and didn't add me because we've lost contact of sorts, and yesterday i realized that she actually deleted me. yeay. great. what fun. whoo.
i want to not care, you know. i mean, she's not really my favourite person either, but i don't hate her. and i definitely wont delete her from my friendster or anything like that. it hurts thinking about what people may be talking about me behind my back, not caring to hear my side of the story, not even bothered to ask for an explanation.
translation : ego is hurt.
bai.
p.s. i'm not announcing the un-privating of this blog because...i don't know. it feels weird promoting my blog. not that i have anything against people who do.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
att : everyone!
crazy woman is on the loose and i don't know whether or not she knows this blog exists. what i do know is that i don't want her to get regular updates on my life. so i'm going to make this blog private until things go back to normal (which is highly unlikely for the time being). to family and friends, email your gmail addresses to atique704@yahoo.com so i can invite you to read, and if you don't have a gmail account and can't be bothered to make one, it's been nice having you as my silent reader :)
to stangers/anonymous readers, i'm sorry i can't invite you even if you have a gmail account, because the crazy woman might go on disguise (believe me she's capable of anything) and i don't think i have a way to tell whether or not you're the crazy woman.
blog going private in 24 hours.
xx
(sorry about this!!)
to stangers/anonymous readers, i'm sorry i can't invite you even if you have a gmail account, because the crazy woman might go on disguise (believe me she's capable of anything) and i don't think i have a way to tell whether or not you're the crazy woman.
blog going private in 24 hours.
xx
(sorry about this!!)
the second song in my imeem playlist is highly applicable
Harapan dari setiap insan
Kesenangan serta ketenangan
Menjalani hidup ini
Tanpa ada cubaan
Kerna cubaan akan terjadi
‘Tuk menguji sabar diri
Dan ketaqwaan
Akan kah kita tetap tegar menjalaninya dgn keikhlasan
Ataukah terjerumus ke dalam keputus asaan
Yang akan kembali kepadaNya
Kapan dan dimana sahaja
Dan berdoalah mohon ampunan
Dari semua kesalahan
Agar mendapat keredhaan
Dan pertolongan
Dalam ujian
it's a great nasyeed, isn't it? :)
i have calmed down
i don't know how many people have read my meltdown posts, but yeah. i've gotten out of the breakdown phase.
i guess people can say whatever they want about me...rumours will end eventually. i should know better. i've been through this countless of times before.
and i guess those who care doesn't matter and those who matter doesn't care.
family and close friends won't believe in rumours.
and friends..well, i love them dearly but i can find new ones if they believe in those crap and don't want to be my friend anymore. whatever.
all i can do is pray to the Almighty, because this has obviously spiraled out of my control, and Allah is the only one that can help me.
'..Kursi Allah meliputi langit dan bumi. Dan Allah tidak merasa berat memelihara keduanya, dan Allah Maha Tinggi lagi Maha Besar.' Al-Baqarah:255
i guess people can say whatever they want about me...rumours will end eventually. i should know better. i've been through this countless of times before.
and i guess those who care doesn't matter and those who matter doesn't care.
family and close friends won't believe in rumours.
and friends..well, i love them dearly but i can find new ones if they believe in those crap and don't want to be my friend anymore. whatever.
all i can do is pray to the Almighty, because this has obviously spiraled out of my control, and Allah is the only one that can help me.
'..Kursi Allah meliputi langit dan bumi. Dan Allah tidak merasa berat memelihara keduanya, dan Allah Maha Tinggi lagi Maha Besar.' Al-Baqarah:255
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
titles usually go here.
i've been missing a friend quite terribly lately and so i've been sending out messages containing a lot of sad faces over friendster.
distance do terrible things to people.
sometimes it does make the heart grow fonder, but sometimes it tears people apart from the lack of physical presence and thus the objective context of distance will morph into the subjective context of distance, which is what is happening to me and this friend i am writing about.
and it is extremely disheartening, having to accept the fact that at the end of the day, all your treasured friendships amount to are a stack of faded papers in a box.
during this sad night that i am missing my good friend from school, all these memories of all the nice things all these people have said to me only to betray them later just came flooding in, and i now realize that maybe that is the reason i have become a very cynical person, who smirks and rolls my eyes and mutter 'loser' during jiwang scenes when i'm watching movies on my laptop. sometimes i fast forward them. my disbelief in love is so severe that it's not even funny anymore. i no longer even have crushes. i would have been so proud of myself had the reason of all this is a growing iman inside of me, but it's not, and i can't lie to myself. i'm so scared of this scorned woman that is the person i am now, however much i want to deny that fact.
sigh. i really want to be angry but it drains so much energy and emotion from me that i stopped being angry and resorted to the easier option of being sarcastic and heartless. i'm not sure if that's a good thing though. i have forgiven, but i have not forgotten. it is, after all, easier said than done. maybe i will forget about it one of these days. i want to. had i have icons of memories arranged neatly according to their dates on the interface of my brain, i would have clicked on a good few of them while holding down the ctrl key and then press delete. that would have been excellent.
until then, my dear readership of fifteen people. hope all is well.
(i think it's no longer fifteen, it've grown a little bit since last time but fifteen is a nice number so imma stick with that, kay. kay.)
salam wbt.
distance do terrible things to people.
sometimes it does make the heart grow fonder, but sometimes it tears people apart from the lack of physical presence and thus the objective context of distance will morph into the subjective context of distance, which is what is happening to me and this friend i am writing about.
and it is extremely disheartening, having to accept the fact that at the end of the day, all your treasured friendships amount to are a stack of faded papers in a box.
during this sad night that i am missing my good friend from school, all these memories of all the nice things all these people have said to me only to betray them later just came flooding in, and i now realize that maybe that is the reason i have become a very cynical person, who smirks and rolls my eyes and mutter 'loser' during jiwang scenes when i'm watching movies on my laptop. sometimes i fast forward them. my disbelief in love is so severe that it's not even funny anymore. i no longer even have crushes. i would have been so proud of myself had the reason of all this is a growing iman inside of me, but it's not, and i can't lie to myself. i'm so scared of this scorned woman that is the person i am now, however much i want to deny that fact.
sigh. i really want to be angry but it drains so much energy and emotion from me that i stopped being angry and resorted to the easier option of being sarcastic and heartless. i'm not sure if that's a good thing though. i have forgiven, but i have not forgotten. it is, after all, easier said than done. maybe i will forget about it one of these days. i want to. had i have icons of memories arranged neatly according to their dates on the interface of my brain, i would have clicked on a good few of them while holding down the ctrl key and then press delete. that would have been excellent.
until then, my dear readership of fifteen people. hope all is well.
(i think it's no longer fifteen, it've grown a little bit since last time but fifteen is a nice number so imma stick with that, kay. kay.)
salam wbt.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
i don't know what to put in this column
i'm feeling a headache coming on from staying up to wait for the super early Subuh that ends super early too, and i had a weird day today, but i checked my e-mail just now and realized that i got a long e-mail from my sister and it made me happy and content and so now i am ready for bed, yeay.
that paragraph was actually a very long sentence that doesn't really make any sense but i guess it'll do. i have a lot of things to do tomorrow, lets hope i don't pass out until noon.
got a call from med school asking whether i'm still up for the job i applied for like a month ago, and i said yes. so yeay, i get to get paid for playing patient for third meds :D i hope they don't have anyone with a thick Cork accent in their class though, or i will NOT understand a word he/she's saying. i haven't conversed with any irish apart from the taxi drivers in a looong time, so i'm a bit nervous. sometimes i give polite laughs to taxi drivers when they say things i couldn't quite comprehend (they barely even open their mouths when they speak!), because, well. they're taxi drivers. if they're not asking me where i'm from or how long i'm staying in ireland, they must be cracking jokes. ....right?
oh oh, another thing...i am SO glad that my sister wrote 'i hate boys' towards the end of her e-mail, because i find the thought of her growing up and getting involved with the opposite gender rather horrifying and i want to protect her from it but it's impossible and... *sigh. i just...i hope she won't get the kind of boys that i got back then. mind boggling.
kay i'm done.
goodnight world. oyasumi.
(musang, do you read my blog?)
that paragraph was actually a very long sentence that doesn't really make any sense but i guess it'll do. i have a lot of things to do tomorrow, lets hope i don't pass out until noon.
got a call from med school asking whether i'm still up for the job i applied for like a month ago, and i said yes. so yeay, i get to get paid for playing patient for third meds :D i hope they don't have anyone with a thick Cork accent in their class though, or i will NOT understand a word he/she's saying. i haven't conversed with any irish apart from the taxi drivers in a looong time, so i'm a bit nervous. sometimes i give polite laughs to taxi drivers when they say things i couldn't quite comprehend (they barely even open their mouths when they speak!), because, well. they're taxi drivers. if they're not asking me where i'm from or how long i'm staying in ireland, they must be cracking jokes. ....right?
oh oh, another thing...i am SO glad that my sister wrote 'i hate boys' towards the end of her e-mail, because i find the thought of her growing up and getting involved with the opposite gender rather horrifying and i want to protect her from it but it's impossible and... *sigh. i just...i hope she won't get the kind of boys that i got back then. mind boggling.
kay i'm done.
goodnight world. oyasumi.
(musang, do you read my blog?)
Sunday, May 18, 2008
an explanation
"i don't wanna say anything more sbb xnak buat u terasa lagi"
what it's NOT : i have something nasty to say but i'm not gonna say it
what it IS : i have zilch tact so i'm a bit scared to make another statement, in fear of having you misunderstand it.
"you're -his- friend, you cant be THAT bad, right?"
what it's NOT : i'm friends with you because you're his friend and i'm hoping you're something like him. (and also, for the record : i do NOT have feelings for him.)
what it IS : you have nice friends so there must be a good side to you, too, maybe you're not seeing it.
*sigh*
speaking. ...or e-mailing, for that matter, is hard work. i have no talent in communicating with other human beings. i cause misunderstandings like it's nobody's business, and i make simple things as complicated as rubik's cube is to everyone else apart from Lynn and her dad.
on another note, i just got back from Galway and it was a nice visit. short and lovely :)
and i came home to the nice aroma of fried pegedil (and the sound of Niesa going "Atiq dah balik! Atiq dah balik!" LOL, she's too adorable); Dayah made soto for dinner, and it was excellent, obviously :)
i think i have gremlins breeding in my brain.
what it's NOT : i have something nasty to say but i'm not gonna say it
what it IS : i have zilch tact so i'm a bit scared to make another statement, in fear of having you misunderstand it.
"you're -his- friend, you cant be THAT bad, right?"
what it's NOT : i'm friends with you because you're his friend and i'm hoping you're something like him. (and also, for the record : i do NOT have feelings for him.)
what it IS : you have nice friends so there must be a good side to you, too, maybe you're not seeing it.
*sigh*
speaking. ...or e-mailing, for that matter, is hard work. i have no talent in communicating with other human beings. i cause misunderstandings like it's nobody's business, and i make simple things as complicated as rubik's cube is to everyone else apart from Lynn and her dad.
on another note, i just got back from Galway and it was a nice visit. short and lovely :)
and i came home to the nice aroma of fried pegedil (and the sound of Niesa going "Atiq dah balik! Atiq dah balik!" LOL, she's too adorable); Dayah made soto for dinner, and it was excellent, obviously :)
i think i have gremlins breeding in my brain.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
i'm really scared
doakan atiq pass exam...atiq takut, takut sangat...
i feel so messed up, i'm terrified, i can't focus...i want to run away but i can't. i feel lost and i don't want time to pass me by. i want to freeze everything and feel nothing. i can't face the uncertain future, it scares me.
i want to stay here and be a medical student.
i want to be a second year and go for visits to my patient's house and stick my nose around the GP clinic. i want to learn Pathology, and Pharmacology. i want to hate having to know all the drugs.
please, please~
i feel so messed up, i'm terrified, i can't focus...i want to run away but i can't. i feel lost and i don't want time to pass me by. i want to freeze everything and feel nothing. i can't face the uncertain future, it scares me.
i want to stay here and be a medical student.
i want to be a second year and go for visits to my patient's house and stick my nose around the GP clinic. i want to learn Pathology, and Pharmacology. i want to hate having to know all the drugs.
please, please~
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
KYS had to be Government.
the ridiculous motion was set by MCKK, and they get to be the Opposition. how convenient.
i hate debates because you can't choose your own stand. it's almost like it's a game that creates kiasu people that only wants to win in arguments, even when they don't really believe in what they're saying, even when they know they're in the wrong.
the motion is 'beauty products help improve the health of its users'. OH MY GOD I HATE THE MOTION SO MUCH. i hate superficiality and i NEVER use any whitening products, or anti-aging products (believe me, some girls my age are already worrying about wrinkles). i think everyone should just be happy with who and how they are, and stop wanting to be something else. we're asians, there's nothing wrong with being tan. i think brown skin is gorgeous. and you're SUPPOSED to be wrinkly when you age, there's nothing to be ashamed of. if your husband doesn't like you being wrinkly then maybe you need to buy him a mirror or something. and flaws give you CHARACTER, you don't have to CHANGE it to be 'beautiful'. what is this 'beauty' that people speak of anyways? WHAT MAKES ANYBODY THINK THEY HAVE THE POWER TO DEFINE BEAUTY FOR EVERYBODY ELSE? i mean, come ON. people's mentality are so screwed up.
i already told Opie that i'm really against that motion and if she has to be govt then i won't be able to help. just now i got a text from her saying she had to be govt, and it makes me feel bad because i really want to help her with it, but I THINK THE MOTION IS ABSURD. uurrrghhhhh i'm so disgusted by it. HOW will our education system produce quality students with THIS KIND OF THING? it's NOT EVEN WORTH DEBATING OVERRRRR.
*kepala meletop*
p.s. having said that, i do realize that i use expensive facial care products, but that's only because my face is really prone to breakouts and i don't feel clean with pimples sprouting all over my face. therefore they don't count as beauty products to me, they're more towards cleansing rather than 'beautify'ing.
i hate debates because you can't choose your own stand. it's almost like it's a game that creates kiasu people that only wants to win in arguments, even when they don't really believe in what they're saying, even when they know they're in the wrong.
the motion is 'beauty products help improve the health of its users'. OH MY GOD I HATE THE MOTION SO MUCH. i hate superficiality and i NEVER use any whitening products, or anti-aging products (believe me, some girls my age are already worrying about wrinkles). i think everyone should just be happy with who and how they are, and stop wanting to be something else. we're asians, there's nothing wrong with being tan. i think brown skin is gorgeous. and you're SUPPOSED to be wrinkly when you age, there's nothing to be ashamed of. if your husband doesn't like you being wrinkly then maybe you need to buy him a mirror or something. and flaws give you CHARACTER, you don't have to CHANGE it to be 'beautiful'. what is this 'beauty' that people speak of anyways? WHAT MAKES ANYBODY THINK THEY HAVE THE POWER TO DEFINE BEAUTY FOR EVERYBODY ELSE? i mean, come ON. people's mentality are so screwed up.
i already told Opie that i'm really against that motion and if she has to be govt then i won't be able to help. just now i got a text from her saying she had to be govt, and it makes me feel bad because i really want to help her with it, but I THINK THE MOTION IS ABSURD. uurrrghhhhh i'm so disgusted by it. HOW will our education system produce quality students with THIS KIND OF THING? it's NOT EVEN WORTH DEBATING OVERRRRR.
*kepala meletop*
p.s. having said that, i do realize that i use expensive facial care products, but that's only because my face is really prone to breakouts and i don't feel clean with pimples sprouting all over my face. therefore they don't count as beauty products to me, they're more towards cleansing rather than 'beautify'ing.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
jOgjogjoG
i think my sisters would happily testify to how a cow's stamina is better than mine. i hate working out, it always makes me feel like i'm dying or something. but i need to shed some weight, so i started early morning jog today, and hopefully i'd be able to keep it up for the rest of the days before i go back to malaysia. and probably going to the gym every other evening too, and eat as little as is possible.
i'm actually comfortable with how i am, i don't like skinny-ness and i don't like being pushed into other's definition of beautiful. i just want to be me. and none of the grown up sisters are skinny, we're all built this way, it's the genes. but people keep going 'atiq...i think you've gained weight' and i'm tired of it, so i'm going to just lose some weight so people won't keep saying annoying things to me.
i'm irritated with myself for getting worked up with what others say.
right, kay. i think i want to clean the toilet today. bai.
i'm actually comfortable with how i am, i don't like skinny-ness and i don't like being pushed into other's definition of beautiful. i just want to be me. and none of the grown up sisters are skinny, we're all built this way, it's the genes. but people keep going 'atiq...i think you've gained weight' and i'm tired of it, so i'm going to just lose some weight so people won't keep saying annoying things to me.
i'm irritated with myself for getting worked up with what others say.
right, kay. i think i want to clean the toilet today. bai.
Monday, May 12, 2008
what's with these shenanigans?~
i've just finished wiping clean my bedroom windows
...at 2 in the morning.
i'm a bit bonkers at the moment.
i've just e-mailed Opie some stuff for her debate with MCKK.
i hate the chauvinistic kolek boys, so i'm rooting for KYS.
...i hope Shamil doesn't read my blog anymore. hehe.
Subuh in ten minutes. yeay!
...at 2 in the morning.
i'm a bit bonkers at the moment.
i've just e-mailed Opie some stuff for her debate with MCKK.
i hate the chauvinistic kolek boys, so i'm rooting for KYS.
...i hope Shamil doesn't read my blog anymore. hehe.
Subuh in ten minutes. yeay!
Saturday, May 10, 2008
smoothie stories
i just bought some strawberries yesterday and some of it is already going bad today, so i needed to consume them, and i needed to do it quick. i didn't feel like eating them raw, so i decided to make a smoothie.
i don't really know how to make one, but i figured i'd just drink it anyways even if it goes wrong. i threw some of the strawberries in the blender with a banana, poured in some milk and orange juice and a teaspoon of sugar, and walla - i got a bubbly pink concoction of pleasure :D try it! it tastes of happiness and health ^.~
p.s. have you been a good reader and clicked on the bright green banner i recently put on the sidebar yet? click ittt!~ increase your vocabulary, and more importantly - help feed the starving poor :]
xx
i don't really know how to make one, but i figured i'd just drink it anyways even if it goes wrong. i threw some of the strawberries in the blender with a banana, poured in some milk and orange juice and a teaspoon of sugar, and walla - i got a bubbly pink concoction of pleasure :D try it! it tastes of happiness and health ^.~
p.s. have you been a good reader and clicked on the bright green banner i recently put on the sidebar yet? click ittt!~ increase your vocabulary, and more importantly - help feed the starving poor :]
xx
i iz procrastinating
from tidying up the disaster that is my post-exam room. i would have taken pictures and showed them to you, but i fear that i shall end up a spinster as i am quite sure that nobody wants a wife that has a room that look like a diseased cow had just paid a lovely visit for tea.
Friday, May 9, 2008
i decided to go to the mall tomorrow.
i apologize.
i've just realized that writing a sad post, then an emo post, then deleting the emo post and writing another happy post all within 24 hours was probably a bit overwhelming for my ample readership of fifteen people.
bear with me, it's post-exam unstableness.
salam wbt.
i've just realized that writing a sad post, then an emo post, then deleting the emo post and writing another happy post all within 24 hours was probably a bit overwhelming for my ample readership of fifteen people.
bear with me, it's post-exam unstableness.
salam wbt.
Googlybear
I've heard about Google Reader for quite some time now but I haven't actually looked it up until today. And because I'm a blog reader/surfer, I find it as another great reason to think that Google is genius. It tells me when the blogs I subscribe to updates, so I don't have to keep checking each of them every now and then, how cool is that?!
I've been having Yahoo! as my homepage for quite some time now, mainly because it has the Yahoo! Mail and Yahoo! Messenger drop downs on the page, so I can easily see whether i have any new mails or check who's online on YM without actually logging in. But, since I love Google so, I've changed my homepage back to Google. iGoogle. Because I just realized that they have a widget that enables me to see whether I have any new mails on my Yahoo! email AND my Google email. It doesn't look as neat as it does on the Yahoo page, but still. it works all the same. And the best part is, I've put on the Google Reader widget as well, so now everytime I open my Firefox, I'd get to see which blogs have updated right there on my homepage! It's amazing, isn't it.
Well, maybe I'm a n00b and maybe everybody's doing this already all along, but I still wanna blog it.
I'm off to the mall XD bye now.
I've been having Yahoo! as my homepage for quite some time now, mainly because it has the Yahoo! Mail and Yahoo! Messenger drop downs on the page, so I can easily see whether i have any new mails or check who's online on YM without actually logging in. But, since I love Google so, I've changed my homepage back to Google. iGoogle. Because I just realized that they have a widget that enables me to see whether I have any new mails on my Yahoo! email AND my Google email. It doesn't look as neat as it does on the Yahoo page, but still. it works all the same. And the best part is, I've put on the Google Reader widget as well, so now everytime I open my Firefox, I'd get to see which blogs have updated right there on my homepage! It's amazing, isn't it.
Well, maybe I'm a n00b and maybe everybody's doing this already all along, but I still wanna blog it.
I'm off to the mall XD bye now.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
The Swan Princess
I stared at my widescreen laptop. Headphone on my head, volume up to near maximum. I watched the colourful characters of the cartoon sway on the screen, piano playing in the background. My heart was numb. I cannot believe how vividly I remember everything. The lyrics of the songs, the scenes that I love. This is the first time that I have watched it again after so many years...I do not know whether it was grief that stopped me, or did I feel incomplete, watching it without my sister. The other sister. The sister that no longer is, but still remembered. Always, and forever will be.
* * *
I was fourteen. And like most average student, I had to attend tuition classes to keep up with grades. I was living with my grandfather at the big house with my little sister, Opie. Nenda just passed away, so we thought we would keep Tokku company. Every morning, Ayahnda will come pick us up and drive us to school. We could have walked, our schools were very close by. I did not quite remember the exact reason we decided not to. Perhaps it was Tokku that forbid us from walking to school.
One morning, we waited for Ayahnda to come as he always do. We waited and we waited...but alas, the car never came. Opie was a prefect, so she did not want to be late for school. So Tokku decided to send her to school, while I stayed over to wait for Ayahnda. He never came, and I was getting frustrated. But then suddenly I saw the car, but it was not Ayahnda that was driving. It was Mama.
"Bakpo Mama hok maghi?"
"Ayahndo bowok Anis gi spital, Anis keno sengat tebuey maso tido,"
"Hahah, tu la, nok sangak masok spital, masuk sungguh doh."
I chuckled. I will never forgive myself for chuckling at that moment. I did not know, Anis sayang. I did not know...
I never went to visit her at the hospital. Being a PMR candidate that year, I was at school until two, and I had tuition classes and extra classes almost everyday. I did not think much about it. I thought everything would be alright. How foolish of me. And how selfish, not even willing to skip a class for a sick sister.
It was around 6p.m., I just got out of my tuition class and decided not to walk back to Ketani, but to ask for a ride with a friend. On the way back home, I saw my mom's car speeding past us. I remember thinking how odd it was for Kakak to be driving that car, she was supposed to be in UiTM. Awah was in there too, and she was supposed to be in MRSM PC. My friend's mother turned her car around and tried to catch up with my sister. But she was driving too fast and we lost track of the car in a glimpse.
They dropped me off at Ketani, and I walked in, feeling uneasy. The door was locked. I rang the bell, but nobody answered. I walked round the house, past the pool, and tried the sliding doors, but to no luck. I went up to the front, and tried the front sliding door, also to no avail. I walked to the garage and then I saw it, slipped in between the sliding doors; a note.
'Atiq, Tokku pergi hospital. Tunggu di rumah'
Something felt very wrong. I started pacing in front of the gates, waiting for someone to come and take me there, too. I waited and I waited...And at long last, I saw a car speeding towards me. It was my cousins, Jijie, and Chieyna.
"Atiq, jom gi spital!"
"Ok!"
I was cracking jokes and telling stories in the car, having no worry at all about what was going on. I was sure that everything will be alright. But my cousins...they were silent. They wore a straight face, and after a while I gave up trying to cook up a conversation. Suddenly Jijie said,
"Atiq, Anis sakit teruk jugok."
"Oh?"
I did not think much about what Jijie said, after all, how bad could it be, right? ...wrong.
As I stepped into the elevator, I started to sense that something was horribly, horribly wrong. I do not remember whether it was Jijie and Chieyna's silence, or was there an aura that I felt, as I get closer. I remember Ayahnda telling me not to cry, and, of course, I cried straight away. I did not know what was going on, and nobody would tell me.
As I walked out the elevator, I saw a lot of people. Close relatives, distant relatives I barely knew...I was the last one to be there. I braved the walk, clad in my school uniform, tears blurring my vision. Everybody was crying, sobbing.
"Atiq!! Atiq gi mano...?? Anis tanyo Atiq...Anis tanyo Atiq..."
"Ma....? Anis mano?"
And they cried and they cried, and nobody was answering my question. I was crying, but I did not know what to think. It seemed almost impossible that it was happening to me. Surely this only happen to other people...?~
"Atiq, Anis takdok doh..."
I dropped to my knees. I almost screamed. Maybe I did. Everything was a blur afterwards. If regret were my tears, I would have been blind. After a moment, I felt somebody helping me up, holding my hands and leading me into the ICU. And then I saw her. Blue. Silent. Peaceful. Lifeless.
One morning, we waited for Ayahnda to come as he always do. We waited and we waited...but alas, the car never came. Opie was a prefect, so she did not want to be late for school. So Tokku decided to send her to school, while I stayed over to wait for Ayahnda. He never came, and I was getting frustrated. But then suddenly I saw the car, but it was not Ayahnda that was driving. It was Mama.
"Bakpo Mama hok maghi?"
"Ayahndo bowok Anis gi spital, Anis keno sengat tebuey maso tido,"
"Hahah, tu la, nok sangak masok spital, masuk sungguh doh."
I chuckled. I will never forgive myself for chuckling at that moment. I did not know, Anis sayang. I did not know...
I never went to visit her at the hospital. Being a PMR candidate that year, I was at school until two, and I had tuition classes and extra classes almost everyday. I did not think much about it. I thought everything would be alright. How foolish of me. And how selfish, not even willing to skip a class for a sick sister.
It was around 6p.m., I just got out of my tuition class and decided not to walk back to Ketani, but to ask for a ride with a friend. On the way back home, I saw my mom's car speeding past us. I remember thinking how odd it was for Kakak to be driving that car, she was supposed to be in UiTM. Awah was in there too, and she was supposed to be in MRSM PC. My friend's mother turned her car around and tried to catch up with my sister. But she was driving too fast and we lost track of the car in a glimpse.
They dropped me off at Ketani, and I walked in, feeling uneasy. The door was locked. I rang the bell, but nobody answered. I walked round the house, past the pool, and tried the sliding doors, but to no luck. I went up to the front, and tried the front sliding door, also to no avail. I walked to the garage and then I saw it, slipped in between the sliding doors; a note.
'Atiq, Tokku pergi hospital. Tunggu di rumah'
Something felt very wrong. I started pacing in front of the gates, waiting for someone to come and take me there, too. I waited and I waited...And at long last, I saw a car speeding towards me. It was my cousins, Jijie, and Chieyna.
"Atiq, jom gi spital!"
"Ok!"
I was cracking jokes and telling stories in the car, having no worry at all about what was going on. I was sure that everything will be alright. But my cousins...they were silent. They wore a straight face, and after a while I gave up trying to cook up a conversation. Suddenly Jijie said,
"Atiq, Anis sakit teruk jugok."
"Oh?"
I did not think much about what Jijie said, after all, how bad could it be, right? ...wrong.
As I stepped into the elevator, I started to sense that something was horribly, horribly wrong. I do not remember whether it was Jijie and Chieyna's silence, or was there an aura that I felt, as I get closer. I remember Ayahnda telling me not to cry, and, of course, I cried straight away. I did not know what was going on, and nobody would tell me.
As I walked out the elevator, I saw a lot of people. Close relatives, distant relatives I barely knew...I was the last one to be there. I braved the walk, clad in my school uniform, tears blurring my vision. Everybody was crying, sobbing.
"Atiq!! Atiq gi mano...?? Anis tanyo Atiq...Anis tanyo Atiq..."
"Ma....? Anis mano?"
And they cried and they cried, and nobody was answering my question. I was crying, but I did not know what to think. It seemed almost impossible that it was happening to me. Surely this only happen to other people...?~
"Atiq, Anis takdok doh..."
I dropped to my knees. I almost screamed. Maybe I did. Everything was a blur afterwards. If regret were my tears, I would have been blind. After a moment, I felt somebody helping me up, holding my hands and leading me into the ICU. And then I saw her. Blue. Silent. Peaceful. Lifeless.
* * *
There were a lot of crying. We cried when we saw her clothes hanging on the clothesline. We cried when we found her diary and found out that she was bullied at school. We cried as we stared at the page that read 'Anis sayang Mama, Yah (Didie), dan Adik'. We were very mean to her. Of course she did not write our names down.
I was always yelling at her, for everything. For the remote, for ruining my things. I was always scolding her for not doing well in school, for not living up to the sisters' legacy. I was a terrible sister to her, but she was never rude at me. Perhaps she was scared of me. She was always nagging me to come watch The Swan Princess with her. I never could understand why she wanted me to watch it with her. It was up to a point where I could recite all the songs and the script all throughout the movie without fail. But I think at one point I might have yelled at her for annoying me, because I did not want to watch it again. It was boring me. So she watched it on her own. She watched it so many times that I do not even remember what happened to the CD. I think it was scratched for being played too many times, and it was not even ours.
When we were at Nenda's funeral at the graveyard, Anis was so noisy and obnoxious. She was only a little kid, of course she did not really understand that she needs to be quiet. I kept scolding her.
"Atiq, Anis mano?"
"Toktahu."
I shrugged Mama off when she asked. Suddenly I heard her voice again, telling Mama something. I did not pay much attention to it, I was busy reading the khat on the various graves.
"Atiq, Atiq!"
"Gapo?"
"Saknih, Anis baco Fatihah ko seemmoo kubur kat sano tu!"
"Mm.."
Little did I know, that about a month later, Anis would be part of the place. Living a better life in the hereafter. Without us. Without us to make her life miserable. I wish I had loved you more, Anis. I wish you knew that I actually loved you. I still do.
I was always yelling at her, for everything. For the remote, for ruining my things. I was always scolding her for not doing well in school, for not living up to the sisters' legacy. I was a terrible sister to her, but she was never rude at me. Perhaps she was scared of me. She was always nagging me to come watch The Swan Princess with her. I never could understand why she wanted me to watch it with her. It was up to a point where I could recite all the songs and the script all throughout the movie without fail. But I think at one point I might have yelled at her for annoying me, because I did not want to watch it again. It was boring me. So she watched it on her own. She watched it so many times that I do not even remember what happened to the CD. I think it was scratched for being played too many times, and it was not even ours.
When we were at Nenda's funeral at the graveyard, Anis was so noisy and obnoxious. She was only a little kid, of course she did not really understand that she needs to be quiet. I kept scolding her.
"Atiq, Anis mano?"
"Toktahu."
I shrugged Mama off when she asked. Suddenly I heard her voice again, telling Mama something. I did not pay much attention to it, I was busy reading the khat on the various graves.
"Atiq, Atiq!"
"Gapo?"
"Saknih, Anis baco Fatihah ko seemmoo kubur kat sano tu!"
"Mm.."
Little did I know, that about a month later, Anis would be part of the place. Living a better life in the hereafter. Without us. Without us to make her life miserable. I wish I had loved you more, Anis. I wish you knew that I actually loved you. I still do.
* * *
I am now typing this blog, missing the cheerful girl that was Tengku Yuhanis Aini. Allahyarhamah Tengku Yuhanis Aini. Innalillahi wa innailaihi raji'un. From Him we come, and to Him we shall return.
So I became this person that I am now. Intensely protective of my sisters, fascinated with every little thing they do, overwhelmingly in love with each and every one of them. Thus sometimes I may talk too much about them, brag about them, proud of what they do. I will not let another sister leave me without knowing that my love for her is so deep and immense. Because I have no power over death, but I do of my actions, biiznillah.
There will always, always, be eight letters in MAFASYNZ.
Anis, we're sorry. We love you dear, we really do.
Al-fatihah~
N.B Kakak wrote this a while back.
So I became this person that I am now. Intensely protective of my sisters, fascinated with every little thing they do, overwhelmingly in love with each and every one of them. Thus sometimes I may talk too much about them, brag about them, proud of what they do. I will not let another sister leave me without knowing that my love for her is so deep and immense. Because I have no power over death, but I do of my actions, biiznillah.
There will always, always, be eight letters in MAFASYNZ.
Anis, we're sorry. We love you dear, we really do.
Al-fatihah~
N.B Kakak wrote this a while back.
exam.was.HARD.
like really, really, hard. spent way too much time on the biochemistry essay, i only managed to write a page and a half for physiology before the time was up. and anatomy was....anatomy. i hope the good term results that account for 50% of the mark will help me out. i guess all i can do now is pray.
sekret project aborted. not as excited about it as i was a few days back.
rabbi yassir wa la tu'assir.
sekret project aborted. not as excited about it as i was a few days back.
rabbi yassir wa la tu'assir.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Happy 100th Posteversary
100th post for the win!
wanted to save it for something special after the exams, but i'm taking a short break (to breath) from all the studying and i have to write a blog. i just have to. k. ok.
it's been very pretty lately. it's such a pity that we're all locked inside the house, studying our brains off. everyone's in their own room minding their own bizznezz.
Mama called yesterday and told me that tv3 came to shoot Didie in Ketani, 'studying' and 'conversing in English with friends', lol. it's going to be so fake and hilarious, i love it. the only real thing they filmed was of her playing softball with the school softball team. oh, the team won the state championship last weekend by the way. such an overachieving snob she is. <3
i have a lot of projects to be done after the exams. like finishing the drawing of the ugly pond in Fitzgerald Park (the drawing isn't ugly, the pond is, k? lulz), re-writing and filing my usrah notebooks, writing that book review Kak Nang asked me to write aaaggess ago, film & edit a sekret project i have planned (look forward to it! ...or not.).
i can't wait for next academic term, to live the hectic life (..or lack thereof), medical student-style all over again. repeat year is/was painful in many different ways. though i must not ignore the fact that it does bring many good things with it, too. Allah knows best.
wanted to save it for something special after the exams, but i'm taking a short break (to breath) from all the studying and i have to write a blog. i just have to. k. ok.
it's been very pretty lately. it's such a pity that we're all locked inside the house, studying our brains off. everyone's in their own room minding their own bizznezz.
Mama called yesterday and told me that tv3 came to shoot Didie in Ketani, 'studying' and 'conversing in English with friends', lol. it's going to be so fake and hilarious, i love it. the only real thing they filmed was of her playing softball with the school softball team. oh, the team won the state championship last weekend by the way. such an overachieving snob she is. <3
i have a lot of projects to be done after the exams. like finishing the drawing of the ugly pond in Fitzgerald Park (the drawing isn't ugly, the pond is, k? lulz), re-writing and filing my usrah notebooks, writing that book review Kak Nang asked me to write aaaggess ago, film & edit a sekret project i have planned (look forward to it! ...or not.).
i can't wait for next academic term, to live the hectic life (..or lack thereof), medical student-style all over again. repeat year is/was painful in many different ways. though i must not ignore the fact that it does bring many good things with it, too. Allah knows best.
that there is a picture of us beside the house when Felicia came over.
even if you're a bitter old witch, you still gotta love Spring.
it's impossibly pretty everywhere :)
till then, strangers/family/friends.
Assalamualaikum wbt.
p.s. doakan Atiq for my exam this May 8th...?
it's impossibly pretty everywhere :)
till then, strangers/family/friends.
Assalamualaikum wbt.
p.s. doakan Atiq for my exam this May 8th...?
Thursday, May 1, 2008
friends: merekalah racun, merekalah madu~
i am currently in two friends' primary picture in friendster :)
this post is an excuse to announce that the kiasu Didie won 1000ringgit from the spelling contest, which she bragged about and to which i replied: mesti ayhndo suruh buh daley tabung haji...kakaka
i am writing this with the hope that i'll end up less tense than i was ten minutes ago. i was fuming and frustrated and nearly cried for every little thing: exams drive me crazy.
this post is an excuse to announce that the kiasu Didie won 1000ringgit from the spelling contest, which she bragged about and to which i replied: mesti ayhndo suruh buh daley tabung haji...kakaka
i am writing this with the hope that i'll end up less tense than i was ten minutes ago. i was fuming and frustrated and nearly cried for every little thing: exams drive me crazy.
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