I have moved into Wilton Jaya

Hey, blog.

Almost immediately after my last summer paper, I took out my Things-to-do booklet and wrote a long list. The bottom of it read: 'Pack! Move! Unpack!'.

...and moved I have. This is my fourth house in Cork, and after living in the previous house for two years, I have completely forgotten how much of a pain moving houses is. I nearly went crazy.

I OWN SO MUCH CRAP.

Everything seem to be a bottomless pit of doom when I was packing, more and more things just kept coming out of my wardrobe and drawers. It wasn't an easy feat, moving into a room with half the amount of storage as my previous one. But I did it, and here I am blogging in my new room!

I must admit, though, I really shouldn't be complaining about this room because it's the second biggest in the house, and the only one with a double bed :D I've been pretty lucky because I always get the big rooms.

It's kind of funny living in Wilton Jaya (dubbed such due to the huge number of Malaysians renting here) because I can hear people walking past, chatting in Malay and I bump into my friends all the time. Bishopstown was a really good neighborhood and that house is pretty freaking epic,but we were literally the only Malaysians there. No idea why there aren't more people living there, it's not that different distance-wise from college.

In other news, I'm heading to Dublin tomorrow to A. Meet with the MARA Officer to appeal for scholarship for final year, and B. Attend Lynn and Amin's conferring. I can't believe they're graduating medical school! Time really do fly...I started writing this blog in first year! Wow. Just...wow.

Anyway. That's the update. Now you know :)

xoxo
Atiqah

animal cruelty

Last summer, there's this kitten that appeared out of nowhere, Awah just picked it up from under our pokok pauh to save it from the massive kerenggas that was swarming it. Because everyone else was squeamish, I ended up being the one to pluck the ants off one by one (they were holding on to it pretty strong). She was so small and looked so fragile, and her fur was similar to Ngiau's, so us being the creative bunch that we are, named her Mini Ngiau.

At first all was fine, even though Ngiau hated her and kept on sekeh-ing her head everytime she gets close, Ngiau would still share her food with her. Well, with our supervision of course. However, Mini Ngiau was too small and wasn't potty-trained. She kept passing stool on the mozaic even though she lived outside the house and the sand was literally just one meter away from her. To be fair though, she was really young and she still couldn't quite figure out how to jump across the small longkang that separated her from the sand.

I, being the one who's on a three month summer holiday, assumed the job of cleaning her kitten stool every-single-day, and the fact that she seemed to be on constant diarrhoea didn't help this at all. Ngiau was already potty-trained when we found her (/she found us) and she was our first cat ever, so we haven't a clue on how to potty-train a little kitten.

Ngiau has always been my cat and Mini Ngiau was my little sisters' favourite because she's prettier and her kitty-antics were hilarious. As the days passed on, I grew more and more annoyed of the fact that I had to clean up after her everyday, and decided that it's time to abandon her at the nearby pasar.

I know, I'm a horrible person :(

The kids hated me for a few days for doing that, but I just can't keep on washing after her every day and Dad would definitely get mad at us if I didn't.

I feel so selfish T________________________T

My youngest sister told me she saw Mini Ngiau when she went to the pasar one time, and it really, really made me sad just thinking about malnourished and tiny Mini Ngiau trying to survive the intimidating crowd of people and bigger street cats.

It breaks my heart. I feel especially guilty upon finding out that kittens can't process regular milk, they have to get lactose-free milk, or else they'll get diarrhoea. I was giving Ngiau the regular milk, and Mini Ngiau always shared the same one :( :( All the while it was my ignorance that caused her the diarrhoea.

Serious rasa bersalah gila and everytime teringat Mini Ngiau pun takut Allah marah sebab buat kucing macam tu, huhuhu.

Mini Ngiau, I sincerely hope you're doing fine :(


Atiqah

of blessings and plannings

Hey, future me? If you're reading this? Thank you so much for being awesome :)

I really like myself when I manage to really focus on my priorities and accomplish my goals. I can actually tell the difference between the exam times that I really, actually studied (tweet, facebook and blog way less, Skype almost none) and when I'm dillydallyin' it all and get so little done. I've always been the kind of person who put almost everything behind me come exam time - I studied like hell for my SPM and was legit becoming human zombie when I was doing my IB - but somehow I lost that part of me when I came to university. I don't know which changes that really got to me (there are many); the studying in my room without supervision part, the fantastic superfast wireless internet in my laptop part, or the lack of support from smart peers part. Don't get me wrong, there are naturally tons of brilliant colleagues here with me...but. I don't know. I guess I can't always depend on others, I have to learn to survive on my own as well. (Notice how I don't mention great teachers? I never did, and still don't, know how to make friends with my teachers.)

This time, however, I managed to put aside all else that is important to me, but matters less in terms of time and relevance, to focus on my studies. I think the major factor is the fact that Niesa was crashing in my room the whole time, and that smartypants really made sure I get my ass working (is that how that phrase go?).

And...for the first time since what felt like the longest time ever...I didn't have that heavy feeling in my chest after my exams. I didn't call Mama to cry, I didn't worry about it incessantly in my head...and it felt good. I really miss the feeling of actually knowing what the hell is going on, knowing the answers to the questions (so thankful to Allah for pointing me to all the right chapters), and being able to write a full body of essay without walking out of the hall early because I don't know enough to be spending the whole of the allocated time finishing the paper. This time I don't frown in confusion when my friends discuss the answers because I just haven't a clue. This time, my heart feels at ease.

I remember in first year, when Charlene used to ask me 'How was it?' every day after my summer finals and almost every time I said something along the lines of 'Really bad', and I almost killed her when I came home from my BH paper (the behavioral paper that we can goreng sampai hangus in the essays) and answered 'It was fine!' with a smile, and she replied with a 'This is the only paper that you are happy about.'. That sentence will forever be ingrained in my heart and my brain.

I also went that extra mile to make sure I get prayers from everyone this year...haha. I texted Mama (almost) every morning before and after my papers to make sure she remembers to pray for me in that exact time frame, she's always so patient with me tsk tsk. Love you mom.

It is almost silly how much I care about this year's results, but...as I had said so many times in the blog, so many things are at stake this time, and I really, really, have to do well.

It is obviously too early to really say I did well, but at least I gave it my all - even if I end up not doing all that good (nauzubillah), I would know that God has something better planned for me, and I want nothing else but the best.

For now, welcome back, hardworking self. I've missed you.


xoxo
Atiqah

Eh lupa nak tulis about the Plannings part, next time lah :)

no matter how hard I try to be nice

somehow adaaaa je benda-benda kecik yang atiq tersilap cakap/tersalah percaturan yang orang nak besar-besarkan, nak marah-marahkan. tapi yang peliknya diorang macam ok ok je dengan their friends. why is it when it comes to me, orang susah nak bersangka baik? somehow it's really difficult for me to master this whole thing, terpeleot dah lidah rasa cakap baik-baik dengan orang but then once i slip all goes down the drain one.

haih.

whatever.

i'll just keep faking being nice to everyone and not care about the shyte they give back, and be genuinely nice to the people i really care about and cry if they give shyte back T___T

it's okay, say what you want, in the end i dapat your pahala sebab you ngumpat i. fit your face who tells you to have attitude like forbidden.


atiq ada Allah.


x
Atiqah

SEMUA ORANG DAPAT HONORS

Sumpah Malaysians Class of 2011 pandai nak mati, ramai gila is going to graduate with honors!

Gembira/pressure/excited/tak boleh duduk diam/tak sedar diri sendiri tak habis exam lagi.



CEPAT LA BALIK MALAYSIA, DAH MERENG DAH NI.


ok bye.

My liver is felt.

Hai.

(harap-harap Niesa tak baca blog ni kalau tak kantoi tulis blog tak belajar hehehe 10 minit jeerw, promise)

Baru lepas satu paper, alhamdulillah it went alright. Hopefully I'll get, at least a humble pass. I can't describe this stupid awkward time in the year, when I'm torturing myself with so much studying but really all I want to do is go back home and have my summer break. I usually break down at least three times along the exam month and when I break I'd look for the person I feel most comfortable with. Because really, not everyone can handle the extra crazy vibes that I emit in May. It's not like I actually have anything to say to the person, and it's not like there's anything they can say to calm me down. It's just their voice. And knowing I'll be having this to go home to.

The person would almost always be Mama.

I know this is a bit too late for it to be relevant as a Mother's Day post, but I guess there's no harm in appreciating our mothers, no matter what day of what month it is.

Thank you Mama, for never failing to talk to me repeatedly in May to just hear me be obnoxious and overbearing, asking stupid things like 'Mama doa dok ko Atiq?' 'Mama makey gapo male nih?' 'Mama wak gapo tu?' and then the out-of-the-blue, typical si-gemok-Atiqah punya perangai, 'Atiq balik ni Mama keno wak aye percik.'

For I realize it takes a hell of a lot of love to be with me when I'm at my lowest, when I make no sense and have nothing of value to say.

Noone can love me the way you do.



x
Atiqah.

P.s. there's something about this simple mother's day post that warms my heart. thanks couz.

P.p.s. It's pretty difficult for a friend to make my liver felt. Usually it's the people I love most, and have high expectations of.

Dalam hidup ini, kita akan

• melalui saat-saat yang memalukan
• tersilap menuturkan sesuatu yang kita harap boleh ditarik kembali
  
• membuat keputusan dan pilihan yang salah
• kecewa dengan diri sendiri
• menangis kehilangan orang yang kita sayangi
• menyesal dengan tindakan yang telah lalu

tapi tanpa semua parut dan luka ini,

kita takkan jadi,

siapa kita sekarang.


x
Atiqah

the 10 minute walk

I stared at the pages of the General Surgery textbook, the details of triple A disappearing from the inside of my brain, and my mind began to wander into the details of summer plans. No. No. Must. Focus. I took my BlackBerry off the table and unlocked it to check the time. The watch read 23:01. Grabbing my hospital 'Visitor' ID, I stood up and pulled my grey hoodie tighter around me. Let's go for a short walk.

The hospital looked even lonelier at night. The orange and blue hallway was completely deserted, with just a cleaner wearing a black sweater mopping the floor. He looked up when he saw me coming, and I gave him the faintest of smiles. The constant smell of cleanliness and medication felt even stronger.

I walked past the curious room with the glass window, the one that has the huge teddybear wearing a pair of sunglasses just sitting there, watching passers-by. There was a doctor wearing a pair of blue scrubs putting money into the vending machine with chocolates in it. He gave me a friendly nod when he saw me walking past him. I hugged myself when the cold night breeze swept over me as I walked near the automatic sliding doors.

I was wide awake despite having slept quite late the night before, because of the cup of coffee that I made in the pantry. The staff pantry near the library. Somebody left the door open, so I walked in and helped myself to a healthy dose of lovely caffeine.

When I was walking back to the library, I saw two men walking side-by-side. Handcuffs binding them together. I can distinctively tell (from those weeks that I spent at the Psychiatry ward) that these two were a male nurse and a psychiatric patient with involuntary hospital admission. They were chatting and laughing away as they walked, as if they were the best of friends. As if the handcuffs never existed.

I reached in my pocket for the ID as I approached the library door. It gave a faint beep when I waived it on the scanner, and the little red LED light turned green.

Taking a deep breath in, I stepped back inside and walked to the table with my books strewn all over it.


I can do this. I will pass this year in one go.

* * *

Hey, just dropping in to say my exams kick off next week. Pray for me kay loves <3


x
Atiq