a belated thank you letter for a very special person

i fell asleep on the couch, and when i woke up its already dark
i was tired and grumpy, and all i wanted to do is sleep on my bed
and then i realized i haven't done my homework yet
i needed to write lines in Jawi in my three-lined book
i knew i was going to take hours to finish writing it because i was never good at writing Jawi
so i started crying
and then you came
and you took the book and pencil from me and started doing it for me
i thought you have the most amazing Jawi handwriting ever
thank you Kakwe..
i was seven.

my school had afternoon sessions for Standard Two and Standard 3
i used to go to Ketani in the morning
and Ayahnda would come pick me up around 12 and send me to school
even though i could have walked, it was only 10 minutes away
you used to iron my uniform every night, so i can fold it, put it in my basket,
and carry it with me to Ketani
one day you forgot to iron it
and i threw a tantrum and demanded that you iron it for me the next morning
you were rushing to get ready for school,
but you ironed it for me nonetheless
and i thought you were a very nice person
thank you Kakwe..
i was nine.

i just finished PMR and i was bored beyond belief
you took me with you to your campus,
and i thought you were the smartest person i ever knew
you took me to places around KL
we went to The Mines and Padang Merdeka and KLCC
we took a lot of pictures and i was very happy
albeit being really tired keeping up with you
me and my cow-ish stamina
thank you Kakwe..
i was fourteen.

adolescence in MRSMPC was very hard for me
i struggled to fit in and i thought everybody hated me
i got into a lot of trouble with friends because i was too immature
i was trying so hard for my SPM and i was tense
one day i got a good luck card from you
signed with your usual 'Who Else? Kakwe'
i thought you were the most thoughtful person ever existed
thank you Kakwe..
i was sixteen.

living in KMB doing International Baccalaureatte was bittersweet
there were times that i needed to get out of there
you drive me back and forth from your house in Shah Alam
no matter how busy you are
and how tight a budget you were on
during one of the weekends,
you drove me to that Harry Potter movie in Midvalley
even though you were so exhausted from work that you fell asleep during the movie
because you knew it would make me happy
and because you knew how much it would mean to me
thank you Kakwe..
i was eighteen.

i failed a paper and i had to repeat the year for it
i was having a nervous breakdown
i was crushed, i was trying to act strong
and i broke when i found out that my scholarship status is threatened.
and then i got your text
right after Mom's text. even before Grandad's phonecall
'it's okay dear, by that time i've worked for some time and i can be of financial help to you'
thank you Kakwe..
i was nineteen.

Kakwe,
i think you are the most amazing person, second only to Mama
you've been there for me all my life
and up until now, i still think that you
have the most amazing Jawi handwriting ever
are a very nice person
the smartest person i ever knew
the most thoughtful person ever existed
and up until now, i still look up to you
you've sacrificed so much for your little sisters
i know you had a tough time being the oldest of the eight of us
and because of that, i want you to know that
you don't have to do it anymore
you can rest,
i want you to know that i'm a big girl now
i am twenty one this year
it's about time i learn to take responsibility
when i mess up
i know you and mom and dad and grandad
said you'll pay for my studies if MARA stops my scholarship
i'll stay here and work this Summer
i'll save money
i'll be the big girl you've been waiting to see

the gift of Iman and the gift of happiness and a good man to take care of you
i pray that God grants my humble prayers

i love you Kakwe,
with all my heart
nothing i do can ever repay you


i'm in tears when i compose this letter for you,
i miss you Kakwe, and i wish i can go back this Summer