self-fulfilling prophecy

the attachment theory. in child psychiatry we are taught about the complicated attachment that a child develops towards his/her parents.

when i was small, mama would tell me she's going downstairs to do some sewing (back when the sewing machine was not a mere artefact sitting there in the storage room) while my nanny hold the screaming, struggling, four year old Atiqah in her arms. then mama would go to work. then Atiqah would discover this later, and continues her high pitched tantrum, and stops only when she gets absolutely exhausted from it.

you see, people usually grow up and out of this phase. teenagers would commonly tell their parents nothing and would try and keep the parents as in the dark as is possible.

but not for Atiqah. Atiqah gets stuck in that phase.

after mama, i got intensely attached to my nanny. i had a week's worth of high fever when she moved out from my house to get married and move on with her life. and then i got attached to my friends. very, very, attached to them to a point where i tend to drive them away, from my obsessiveness, and jealousy. they must always be MY friend, and i always have to be their TOP priority.

thankfully i began to realize that i have a tendency to suffocate my friends, so i start to distance myself from people in a difficult attempt to be a normal friend and not be a freakishly close to being psycho one.

somehow along that time frame boys began to pay attention to me (for some bizarre reason), and, naturally afterwards, i began to latch on to these unexpecting string of XYs, commonly draining the living soul out of them. needless to say, the only relationships that developed into more than just a fling, and survived more than a few weeks were the ones involving boys who were really, really, in love with me that they were completely blinded and did not see, or were willing to put up with my crazyself.

then, as was the way with the friendship case, i began to realize that i am an absolutely selfish and self-centered bit...person when it comes to relationships. everything has to be about me, i constantly obsess over the little details, basically doing the things most girls do...multiplied by ten. this realization is more complicated though, because then what would i do? distance myself so i wouldn't be so attached? might as well NOT have a relationship altogether, no?

i always warn boys that are attracted to me, that i only sound like good news when i'm a FRIEND, and that i really do not function well as a girlfriend. either i would get way too attached, or way too distanced because i'm scared of getting way too attached and risk losing them.

right now all i am is just sick and tired of this race against myself. i always work so hard to please people in general, no matter how many times i hear them say i should just be myself and people who are not okay with it can go to hell. i can't, i can't. i HAVE to make people like me, it's the only way i know how to function.

problem is, all of these things are in my head. what people around me experience would be seeing me happy, seeing me suddenly distancing myself from them, seeing me getting depressed for apparently no reason at all, seeing me be happy again.

how, how do i tell all this to people i care about without sounding like an absolute freak?

i can't, is the answer.

i am one hell of a complicated girl, and only someone with an illogical amount of patience would be willing to spend the entirety of his life consoling me everytime i cry for no reason.

you see, i don't think i will ever meet this guy, and even if i do? i don't think it would be fair for him.

i have issues and i probably should get myself sorted out without dragging anyone else into this mess.



lots of love.
Atiqah

p.s. i say all this...but then again i'll probably be okay tomorrow. dammit i'm so bipolar.