"it comes in waves...."

one minute i'm okay, happy and laughing..one minute i'm down and crying and frustrated and pissed at myself..


failure.

its something i'm not quite used to.
i'm afraid i've run out of luck as soon as i stepped foot on this country of shamrocks and leprechauns.


i'm repeating first year.

i'm repeating first year.



met Dr. Oflynn and she said,

"there's no way the medical school can allow you to carry a 15 credit subject to Second Year. you'll never catch up. we don't want to be held responsible for over-burdening you. we don't want to destroy your future by allowing that to happen"

as much as i hate to admit it, i'm scared of that, too...no matter how determined and strong-willed i seem to be on the outside~

"Prof. Harris and Prof. Gebruer looked through your paper again and again, but they just can't pass you. The Physiology department felt really bad for failing you thus causing you to repeat the whole year for just one module"

i guess i really suck at CVS Physiology then. no point doing a recheck.

"the medical Exam Board specifically discussed you, but there really is nothing we can do to help..i'm so sorry Atiqah. i know it've been a very bad day, but there'll be excellent days, too.."

by this time i was already crying and apologizing for it profusely at the same time, i was an absolute mess, the fact that there's nothing i can do about this and the fact that i really do have to repeat first year was slowly, painfully, sinking in.

"Dont worry about your scholarship, i'll write a very strong reccomendation letter to MARA saying we'll be surprised if this happens to you again, i'm sure they wont stop giving you allowance in final year"

thanking her profusely. told her i'm scared and i feel like such a failure, having to repeat friggin FIRST year.

"Atiqah, there's this student i know. He repeated first year, but never failed any more exams afterwards, and he graduated First in his class. he was just as upset as you are back then. nobody remembers that he repeated first year, and nobody cared about it. people rarely remember what happens in First Year, but they usually do remember what happen later on. it can happen to you, too. you just have to get yourself through this,"

to the guy, whoever you are...thanks for succeeding and thanks for being that silver lining i really need...you'll always be my inspiration~


so this is it, everyone. FM1002 all over again.


i still dont have the courage to discuss it or talk about it on the phone or text or face-to-face or anything such. i'm sorry...but writing this entry is as far as i can go~




this may sound a bit selfish...

i'll seek comfort and support from you when i feel ready to accept it, kay..~ i need a little bit more time~

its not that i dont appreciate it, i DO, i really, really, do...i'm just not ready for it just yet..



i love you. all of you. now, always, forever.

mwahness.