a date in which
Christians celebrate the 'birth of Jesus' and poor non-Christians living in the west gets stuck at home because there is no public transport available for them to use and none of the public places are open anyways! yeaaaaayyyy!
my neighbourhood is completely covered in ice and snow so I have to walk very slowly while lowering my center of gravity i.e. I look like an idiot! yeaaayyyyyy!
:D
sigh.
xoxo
Atiqah
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
the Life as documented by the Blackberry.
Main Quad in winter
River Lee on campus
Fat neighbor's cat came peeking at our glass doors
View from my bedroom window - airplane departing at dawn
Spot the full moon
Christmas park
Festive deco at Wilton Shopping Centre
Street performers
Changing room picture with no excuse but vanity
I wrote my name in footprint
Winter Conferring 2010 - 'Where Finbarr taught, let Munster learn'
Frosty tree
Beha look, our phones match!
Selamat Hari Raya!
Pointless, creepy, statues at Dublin airport
That's my name
Phone wallpaper
GUJI! Cutest birthday present ever.xoxo
Atiqah
What's This?!?
Something about this song reminds me of school holidays at home, waking up very early in the morning to watch Christmas themed cartoons and Home Alone repeats. I'll be in Cork for Christmas for the first time ever (2006-London; 2007-Leicestershire; 2008-Glasgow; 2009-Nice), and by the looks of it, it's going to be a white one for us this year :)
xoxo
Atiqah
edit : I just realized the reason this song is so SO familiar is because The Swan Princess has a song similar to it during the Derek/Odette growing up clips, but with different lyrics.
xoxo
Atiqah
edit : I just realized the reason this song is so SO familiar is because The Swan Princess has a song similar to it during the Derek/Odette growing up clips, but with different lyrics.
Monday, December 20, 2010
in which I talk about my (failed) Torture Diet experience.
Despite my eldest sister's warnings that the Torture Diet (otherwise known as the General Motors Diet) might destroy my focus, drive me crazy, and cause sudden death*, and that it shouldn't be tried by anyone that didn't really need to lose weight...I went ahead and did it anyway, because I'm a REBEL. Just kidding...because I want to shed some pounds.
I deluded myself into thinking that it is a form of detox and it's healthy because it involves fruits and vege, but reading a thread on a health site (during day 1) proves that it isn't, and demotivates me significantly (during day 1). It didn't take much for the thread to convince me that the program isn't from GM at all because...well. The pdf file just has WAY too many typos for it to be anything legit.
Despite the circumstances, I went along with it (during day 1), surviving on only fruits, namely a mango, an apple, a few plums...until about 7pm. This is when I was lying on my bed with my laptop on my lap, burning away at my hips...and I started to feel my body shiver. Like, actually shivering from perhaps the lack of sugar. At first I thought it was the cold, but my room was quite warm from the fan heater I had on, and I have a pretty high tolerance for cold. After a while I started feeling actual heartburn - at which point I stopped pretending the shivering had anything to do with temperature. This was quite worrying to me because I had significant gastritis when I was younger**. I actually considered ignoring the pain and forcing myself to sleep, but. Well. It was about half past 7. I also think that
1. I'm not enough of a psycho to ignore the pain to lose weight - it would probably qualify me as borderline eating disorder if I did
2. I don't think I'm FAT, so I'm not that desperate
So I walked downstairs and made toast. ONE toast. With nothing on it.
Yes, I failed the diet since day 1. Though admittedly feeling like a loser because my pretty sister did it twice and survived, and generally disliking the fact that I had a mission and didn't stick to it, I actually like the fact that I care more about my health than my looks***. In a way, I think I actually won.
Even though I went ahead and break pretty much all the rules in the following days (this is day 6), so much so that I think I no longer qualify to count the days anymore, I HAVE been eating literally about 1/6th of my normal daily portion. For a girl that belongs to the MAFASYNZ sisterhood, this is quite a feat for me to pull because I always eat like it's my bloody job. Also, I haven't drank Milo in 6 days. I think I deserve a Nobel Prize just for that.
I haven't weighed myself, but my guess is I've lost about 1kg.
The 7 Day custom-made-Atiqah-sukahatiaku-diet ends tomorrow, but I have discovered that I can eat 1/6th of what I normally do and not be hungry (or be very mildly hungry) all day. So I'm going to just continue eating this portion size. Hopefully I'll lose more weight eventually. Slowly, but surely.
xoxo
Atiqah
* unsur hyperbola
** anybody who went to (any) school with me can testify this
*** I am not saying my sister cared more about her looks than her health, she just happens to have the capacity to handle the diet without getting sick or feeling sensations equivalent of ones you would have if you imprisoned a man in your heart and he is burning his way out of it.
I deluded myself into thinking that it is a form of detox and it's healthy because it involves fruits and vege, but reading a thread on a health site (during day 1) proves that it isn't, and demotivates me significantly (during day 1). It didn't take much for the thread to convince me that the program isn't from GM at all because...well. The pdf file just has WAY too many typos for it to be anything legit.
Despite the circumstances, I went along with it (during day 1), surviving on only fruits, namely a mango, an apple, a few plums...until about 7pm. This is when I was lying on my bed with my laptop on my lap, burning away at my hips...and I started to feel my body shiver. Like, actually shivering from perhaps the lack of sugar. At first I thought it was the cold, but my room was quite warm from the fan heater I had on, and I have a pretty high tolerance for cold. After a while I started feeling actual heartburn - at which point I stopped pretending the shivering had anything to do with temperature. This was quite worrying to me because I had significant gastritis when I was younger**. I actually considered ignoring the pain and forcing myself to sleep, but. Well. It was about half past 7. I also think that
1. I'm not enough of a psycho to ignore the pain to lose weight - it would probably qualify me as borderline eating disorder if I did
2. I don't think I'm FAT, so I'm not that desperate
So I walked downstairs and made toast. ONE toast. With nothing on it.
Yes, I failed the diet since day 1. Though admittedly feeling like a loser because my pretty sister did it twice and survived, and generally disliking the fact that I had a mission and didn't stick to it, I actually like the fact that I care more about my health than my looks***. In a way, I think I actually won.
Even though I went ahead and break pretty much all the rules in the following days (this is day 6), so much so that I think I no longer qualify to count the days anymore, I HAVE been eating literally about 1/6th of my normal daily portion. For a girl that belongs to the MAFASYNZ sisterhood, this is quite a feat for me to pull because I always eat like it's my bloody job. Also, I haven't drank Milo in 6 days. I think I deserve a Nobel Prize just for that.
I haven't weighed myself, but my guess is I've lost about 1kg.
The 7 Day custom-made-Atiqah-sukahatiaku-diet ends tomorrow, but I have discovered that I can eat 1/6th of what I normally do and not be hungry (or be very mildly hungry) all day. So I'm going to just continue eating this portion size. Hopefully I'll lose more weight eventually. Slowly, but surely.
xoxo
Atiqah
* unsur hyperbola
** anybody who went to (any) school with me can testify this
*** I am not saying my sister cared more about her looks than her health, she just happens to have the capacity to handle the diet without getting sick or feeling sensations equivalent of ones you would have if you imprisoned a man in your heart and he is burning his way out of it.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Winter rendezvous
I have some explaining to do, to my sisters especially. Regarding what, one might ask? I'm going to Paris for winter break.
I know I know I knowww...I keep saying I need to save and then tiba2 sesuka hati sahaja nak spring a 'Guess what guys I'm going to Paris for Christmas!'
I *promise* I got a good deal for it, with super cheap flight tickets and accomodation, and I'm only going for four days. This is my last chance to travel europe because obviously next year I can't do it anymore. Initially I planned to go to Berlin but word has it the weather is insane over there. And Paris is a hell of a lot more cheaper than Berlin anyway, so.
I also promise not to blow money on shopping while I'm there *prays for self control*. Speaking of which, anything you hermanas want from Paris? Monnay must be provided if it involves something fancy. Keychain is considered fancy....haha just kidding just kidding.
I'm more excited to go to d'louvre than the eiffel tower, obviously, because 1) i'm a geek, 2) i'm not going on a romantic getaway, and 3) it's winter so anything indoors is always better.
Other than that, I have to admit I look forward (a little bit too much) to eating delish cheap croissants every single day and hunting down Parisian macaroons.
Je t'aime
Atiqah
I know I know I knowww...I keep saying I need to save and then tiba2 sesuka hati sahaja nak spring a 'Guess what guys I'm going to Paris for Christmas!'
I *promise* I got a good deal for it, with super cheap flight tickets and accomodation, and I'm only going for four days. This is my last chance to travel europe because obviously next year I can't do it anymore. Initially I planned to go to Berlin but word has it the weather is insane over there. And Paris is a hell of a lot more cheaper than Berlin anyway, so.
I also promise not to blow money on shopping while I'm there *prays for self control*. Speaking of which, anything you hermanas want from Paris? Monnay must be provided if it involves something fancy. Keychain is considered fancy....haha just kidding just kidding.
I'm more excited to go to d'louvre than the eiffel tower, obviously, because 1) i'm a geek, 2) i'm not going on a romantic getaway, and 3) it's winter so anything indoors is always better.
Other than that, I have to admit I look forward (a little bit too much) to eating delish cheap croissants every single day and hunting down Parisian macaroons.
Je t'aime
Atiqah
Thursday, December 9, 2010
spoilt rotten
i've been so spoilt this week, sebab my recently-graduated housemate's parents and two aunts are here. balik2 rumah laundry atiq bukan setakat dah dibasuh. malah telah dijemur dan dilipat. tinggal nak simpan dalam almari je. turun2 bawah di pagi hari kelam kabut nak pegi hospital, ada nasik goreng terhidang indah atas meja. balik tengahari untuk lunch ada mee goreng, rumah tiba2 kemas nan indah, dapur licin bersih. rak tepi meja makan penuh dengan roti, buns, scones, chocolates, chips, fruits. esok kenduri kesyukuran kat rumah atiq, makan nasik beriani special auntie ram. as great as this sounds, this would also mean mark the end of their stay. lepas ni terpaksa kembali kepada kehidupan turun bawah takde makanan nak breakfast and balik lunch makan megi T__T
i'm feeling the void when one by one orang mula graduate and balik kerja kat malaysia, i tend to be closer to my seniors than my juniors. seriously man it's going to hit me hard next may when MY OWN BATCH graduates and goes home. geez. not looking forward to that :'(
also, my 23rd birthday just passed! not only did i not have a specific birthday post like i normally would, i don't even have ANY form of blog post at ALL. either i had a pretty boring birthday, or i'm just not as into blogging as i used to be. i'd say it's a little bit of both.
i must say, the best part about my birthday is THE CAKE. ya Allah sedap gila okay Adilah buat blueberry yoghurt cheesecake. like, sumpah sedap very theeee. i think i must've eaten half of it. hahaha. and the birthday gifts i got, even though all very simple things, but each of them shows that they know me well enough to realize what things i have been wanting/needing for a long time. there wasn't a major surprise party, or a special expensive gift, or anything like that. but i'm happy enough with it. i am, alas, a 23 year old fully grown woman.
xoxo
Atiqah
i'm feeling the void when one by one orang mula graduate and balik kerja kat malaysia, i tend to be closer to my seniors than my juniors. seriously man it's going to hit me hard next may when MY OWN BATCH graduates and goes home. geez. not looking forward to that :'(
also, my 23rd birthday just passed! not only did i not have a specific birthday post like i normally would, i don't even have ANY form of blog post at ALL. either i had a pretty boring birthday, or i'm just not as into blogging as i used to be. i'd say it's a little bit of both.
i must say, the best part about my birthday is THE CAKE. ya Allah sedap gila okay Adilah buat blueberry yoghurt cheesecake. like, sumpah sedap very theeee. i think i must've eaten half of it. hahaha. and the birthday gifts i got, even though all very simple things, but each of them shows that they know me well enough to realize what things i have been wanting/needing for a long time. there wasn't a major surprise party, or a special expensive gift, or anything like that. but i'm happy enough with it. i am, alas, a 23 year old fully grown woman.
xoxo
Atiqah
Thursday, December 2, 2010
ahem.
*clears throat.
so like...shall we go back to the normal stories in dialog form? yeah? yeah? good. here's a couple of them, starring my insanely deluded, very rich middle eastern friend:
Heba : OMG Atiqah you actually listened to me, you're always wearing black now! You look sooo good!
Atiqah : Thanks Hebs. I hate to break it to you but this is just because I haven't done my laundry yet. I literally HAVE to wear these black pants, black top and black hijab. I've nothing else left.
Heba : Well you don't HAVE to do laundry.
Atiqah : ???
Heba : Me and Li Lin, we never do laundry. We just...buy new clothes.
Atiqah : You're KUWAITI, Heba, it's different.
Heba : YOU'RE A PRINCESS.
Atiqah : I AM NOT!
* * *
Atiqah : Do you know how to drive?
Heba : I don't have a license. But I have a Porsche.
Atiqah : WHAT. You own a Porsche but you don't even know how to drive?
Heba : Well....the chauffeur can drive?
Atiqah : .....
* * *
Atiqah : I've to go, my bus is coming.
Heba : Let's take a cab.
Atiqah : I can't, saving money. Geez how many times do I have to say it?!
Heba : I'LL PAY FOR IT OKAY?
Atiqah : STOP PAYING FOR EVERYTHING FOR ME. YOU CAN'T BUY MY FRIENDSHIP.
Heba : I'LL PAY FOR THE FREAKING CAB.
Atiqah : ...okay.
* * *
As you can see. Our friendship involves lots of screaming. That's how we convey affection.
xoxo
Atiqah
so like...shall we go back to the normal stories in dialog form? yeah? yeah? good. here's a couple of them, starring my insanely deluded, very rich middle eastern friend:
Heba : OMG Atiqah you actually listened to me, you're always wearing black now! You look sooo good!
Atiqah : Thanks Hebs. I hate to break it to you but this is just because I haven't done my laundry yet. I literally HAVE to wear these black pants, black top and black hijab. I've nothing else left.
Heba : Well you don't HAVE to do laundry.
Atiqah : ???
Heba : Me and Li Lin, we never do laundry. We just...buy new clothes.
Atiqah : You're KUWAITI, Heba, it's different.
Heba : YOU'RE A PRINCESS.
Atiqah : I AM NOT!
* * *
Atiqah : Do you know how to drive?
Heba : I don't have a license. But I have a Porsche.
Atiqah : WHAT. You own a Porsche but you don't even know how to drive?
Heba : Well....the chauffeur can drive?
Atiqah : .....
* * *
Atiqah : I've to go, my bus is coming.
Heba : Let's take a cab.
Atiqah : I can't, saving money. Geez how many times do I have to say it?!
Heba : I'LL PAY FOR IT OKAY?
Atiqah : STOP PAYING FOR EVERYTHING FOR ME. YOU CAN'T BUY MY FRIENDSHIP.
Heba : I'LL PAY FOR THE FREAKING CAB.
Atiqah : ...okay.
* * *
As you can see. Our friendship involves lots of screaming. That's how we convey affection.
xoxo
Atiqah
Sunday, November 28, 2010
self-fulfilling prophecy
the attachment theory. in child psychiatry we are taught about the complicated attachment that a child develops towards his/her parents.
when i was small, mama would tell me she's going downstairs to do some sewing (back when the sewing machine was not a mere artefact sitting there in the storage room) while my nanny hold the screaming, struggling, four year old Atiqah in her arms. then mama would go to work. then Atiqah would discover this later, and continues her high pitched tantrum, and stops only when she gets absolutely exhausted from it.
you see, people usually grow up and out of this phase. teenagers would commonly tell their parents nothing and would try and keep the parents as in the dark as is possible.
but not for Atiqah. Atiqah gets stuck in that phase.
after mama, i got intensely attached to my nanny. i had a week's worth of high fever when she moved out from my house to get married and move on with her life. and then i got attached to my friends. very, very, attached to them to a point where i tend to drive them away, from my obsessiveness, and jealousy. they must always be MY friend, and i always have to be their TOP priority.
thankfully i began to realize that i have a tendency to suffocate my friends, so i start to distance myself from people in a difficult attempt to be a normal friend and not be a freakishly close to being psycho one.
somehow along that time frame boys began to pay attention to me (for some bizarre reason), and, naturally afterwards, i began to latch on to these unexpecting string of XYs, commonly draining the living soul out of them. needless to say, the only relationships that developed into more than just a fling, and survived more than a few weeks were the ones involving boys who were really, really, in love with me that they were completely blinded and did not see, or were willing to put up with my crazyself.
then, as was the way with the friendship case, i began to realize that i am an absolutely selfish and self-centered bit...person when it comes to relationships. everything has to be about me, i constantly obsess over the little details, basically doing the things most girls do...multiplied by ten. this realization is more complicated though, because then what would i do? distance myself so i wouldn't be so attached? might as well NOT have a relationship altogether, no?
i always warn boys that are attracted to me, that i only sound like good news when i'm a FRIEND, and that i really do not function well as a girlfriend. either i would get way too attached, or way too distanced because i'm scared of getting way too attached and risk losing them.
right now all i am is just sick and tired of this race against myself. i always work so hard to please people in general, no matter how many times i hear them say i should just be myself and people who are not okay with it can go to hell. i can't, i can't. i HAVE to make people like me, it's the only way i know how to function.
problem is, all of these things are in my head. what people around me experience would be seeing me happy, seeing me suddenly distancing myself from them, seeing me getting depressed for apparently no reason at all, seeing me be happy again.
how, how do i tell all this to people i care about without sounding like an absolute freak?
i can't, is the answer.
i am one hell of a complicated girl, and only someone with an illogical amount of patience would be willing to spend the entirety of his life consoling me everytime i cry for no reason.
you see, i don't think i will ever meet this guy, and even if i do? i don't think it would be fair for him.
i have issues and i probably should get myself sorted out without dragging anyone else into this mess.
lots of love.
Atiqah
p.s. i say all this...but then again i'll probably be okay tomorrow. dammit i'm so bipolar.
when i was small, mama would tell me she's going downstairs to do some sewing (back when the sewing machine was not a mere artefact sitting there in the storage room) while my nanny hold the screaming, struggling, four year old Atiqah in her arms. then mama would go to work. then Atiqah would discover this later, and continues her high pitched tantrum, and stops only when she gets absolutely exhausted from it.
you see, people usually grow up and out of this phase. teenagers would commonly tell their parents nothing and would try and keep the parents as in the dark as is possible.
but not for Atiqah. Atiqah gets stuck in that phase.
after mama, i got intensely attached to my nanny. i had a week's worth of high fever when she moved out from my house to get married and move on with her life. and then i got attached to my friends. very, very, attached to them to a point where i tend to drive them away, from my obsessiveness, and jealousy. they must always be MY friend, and i always have to be their TOP priority.
thankfully i began to realize that i have a tendency to suffocate my friends, so i start to distance myself from people in a difficult attempt to be a normal friend and not be a freakishly close to being psycho one.
somehow along that time frame boys began to pay attention to me (for some bizarre reason), and, naturally afterwards, i began to latch on to these unexpecting string of XYs, commonly draining the living soul out of them. needless to say, the only relationships that developed into more than just a fling, and survived more than a few weeks were the ones involving boys who were really, really, in love with me that they were completely blinded and did not see, or were willing to put up with my crazyself.
then, as was the way with the friendship case, i began to realize that i am an absolutely selfish and self-centered bit...person when it comes to relationships. everything has to be about me, i constantly obsess over the little details, basically doing the things most girls do...multiplied by ten. this realization is more complicated though, because then what would i do? distance myself so i wouldn't be so attached? might as well NOT have a relationship altogether, no?
i always warn boys that are attracted to me, that i only sound like good news when i'm a FRIEND, and that i really do not function well as a girlfriend. either i would get way too attached, or way too distanced because i'm scared of getting way too attached and risk losing them.
right now all i am is just sick and tired of this race against myself. i always work so hard to please people in general, no matter how many times i hear them say i should just be myself and people who are not okay with it can go to hell. i can't, i can't. i HAVE to make people like me, it's the only way i know how to function.
problem is, all of these things are in my head. what people around me experience would be seeing me happy, seeing me suddenly distancing myself from them, seeing me getting depressed for apparently no reason at all, seeing me be happy again.
how, how do i tell all this to people i care about without sounding like an absolute freak?
i can't, is the answer.
i am one hell of a complicated girl, and only someone with an illogical amount of patience would be willing to spend the entirety of his life consoling me everytime i cry for no reason.
you see, i don't think i will ever meet this guy, and even if i do? i don't think it would be fair for him.
i have issues and i probably should get myself sorted out without dragging anyone else into this mess.
lots of love.
Atiqah
p.s. i say all this...but then again i'll probably be okay tomorrow. dammit i'm so bipolar.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)