hai semua orang. atau. hai tiada orang.
sorry dah lama tak blog. it's a long story. atiq baru balik from my autumn papers. that's right. i'm sitting for the autumn exams again this year.
i don't know what's wrong with me. sekarang hidup tak bermotivasi macam dulu. atiq ingat lagi masa SPM dulu, i was so hardworking. masa dekat KMB yang gila nak mati susah tu, i had A LOT of (highly intelligent) people helping me out when the teachers gave up on me. when i gave up on myself.
but not masa atiq kat msrm pc. i barely had any friends there. i mean, i had friends, for sure. but they're not my friend friend, if you know what i mean. i did it solely with Allah. i even went for qiamullail at the surau regularly, can you believe it? i didn't get much help from my friends, i didn't have a study group. it was just me, God, and a rock-solid determination for success.
i broke a LOT of the school rules, but i worked my arse off back then. i remember sleepless nights solving an endless list of math problems, shouting to myself behind block C trying to memorize the Periodic Table, sitting by myself outside my dorm for the light at 3am.
when did all of that go? when did i start losing myself? i want my determination back. i want to be that person i was when i was barely sixteen. focused, hardworking, reflective.
med school is beginning to hurt me...it's just really difficult. i'd be lying to say there aren't times when i absolutely hated my parents for pushing me this way. but i don't want to live in what ifs. this is the path i have chosen and i must make the best of it.
i need to find myself. i need to find that sixteen year old Atiqah again, and i know she's still here. somewhere, waiting.
i need to find a reason to be struggling this much and to keep fighting so i won't be so vulnerable.
i need a new me.
asap.
5 comments:
u dont need to find a reason. make a reason hehe aja! aja! fighting!! :D
if ssh nk jumpe 'the sixteen years old atiqah'..how about making 'the new twenty-three years old Atiqah'..better n faster..
jika kau fikirkan kau boleh
kau pasti boleh melakukan
jika kau fikirkan ragu-ragu
usahamu tidak menentu
thanks korang. though i have to say, finding a reason, and finding a new me will probably stick longer and hold stronger than simply making one.
<3
I don't remember much of the 16- year-old Atiqah but the 23-year-old one is pretty great. Find the 16yo one if you must. She is still there, lurking somewhere, but know that it's okay if you don't. Love you.
nobody has ever told me i was 'pretty great' before. it really means a lot to me that you think that of me kakwe.
love you too.
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