nostalgic

10 things about the person i was in senior high school that you probably don't want to know.

1. Sprained my ankle by falling down the stage stairs in a pitch black hall...and then went for my Karate lesson.
2. Finished almost last in a school jog-a-thon.
3. Got locked in my hostel because i was late, and had to climb the hostel fence that faced the school field to go to school while the rest of the students were having the usual morning assembly...in that said field. Wearing my school uniform.
4. Got locked in my hostel because i was late, and went to the academic block via the boys' hostel.
5. Wore pants to night prep instead of the required baju kurung, only to find the warden doing a sudden block round later that night, and had to run along with a horde of boys that weren't wearing the required collared t-shirt.
6. Hid from the warden at the emergency exit stairs.
7. Hid from the warden at the emergency exit stairs...and got caught.
8. Tripped in front of the whole batch of juniors when i was walking to the microphone to give a briefing on how stuff at the library works.
9. Pretended i didn't know my sister as i walked past her at the school's covered walk. She was a fifth former in mrsmpc when i was a fourth former there.
10. Got called a robot for the way i walked.

lol.

back to studying!

sometimes i wish that

i can live in a land that only consists of the people that i can trust.

Nana just gave me this picture. The flowers are gorgeous, aren't they?



and this is us at Dr. Syidi's majlis akikah, with her wearing the baju raya she bought for me. it (miraculously, considering how much fatter i am compared to her) fits her and me perfectly. Na, i miss having you :( come visit me again? i'll buy a better heater for next time k?

it is i again

i won't call this insomnia, i shall call this a-change-in-biological-clock-to-suit-the-everchanging-prayingtime. yes, catchy name, huh?

earlier this evening was MCS's AGM. as good an experience as it was, i'm kinda glad it was over. i'm a bad time manager, so being busy with society stuff when i'm in second year (insyaAllah) doesn't sound too exciting. we decided to cook the food for the event ourselves this time, instead of ordering it from the lovely Kak Ros, and i was part of the masak nasik team (the boys were the ones yang masak sambal, bakar ayam, lol, bless them), so i am now sembilan periuks wiser in the art or cooking nasik lemak haha.

earlier tonight Niesa came walking in my room, offering me a can of Coke. i said okay and she went to take it from her room, came back seconds later, and placed it on my table. some time later i took a sip and thought 'wow, Coke sucks when it's not cold/at room temperature'. then i left in on my table and about a couple of hours later, i took another sip, and...i didn't know what to think. i was either
a) glad that the Coke tasted SO much better
b) upset over the fact that my room can also function as, literally, a refrigerator.

30mins to Subuh. STAY AWAKE atiq, STAY AWAKE.

icantsleep

nothing new there.

i no longer put out links to this blog, not in my friendster, not in my ym (...well i rarely use it anymore anyways) ...i don't know. it's like a diary, and you're the special few that found it earlier and somehow wants to read it still, so i'm letting it be that way.

i wanted to make this blog private because i don't want people to think i'm writing stuff for attention, but i figured that i don't want to take it away from the regular readers (i think i have like 15 of you, that's my blog's average view per day anyway), because if one of the blogs i read is taken away from me, i'd feel rather sad. ...not that i think my blog would mean THAT much to you, but well. i'm just sayin'

my head's too dizzy for any more Physiology, but Subuh is in 40 more minutes, i have to stay awake, or else i'd never be able to wake up on time.

i sent an upset text to a friend who didn't deserve it. i fail at life.

(in a totally unrelated note,)
a story, in text form.

friend: Salam. tiq exam bile?
me : 8 may. takot!
friend: Ok nya :) good luck!

i love how the friendship has evolved. thank you :]

(azan in 10 minutessss!~)

i think it is a great achievement that i no longer have the urge to call and ask a certain person to sing Tegar for me when i can't sleep. and i say 'the urge to call' because i haven't been calling the person for a very very long time. because i don't want to and because his girlfriend hates me.

AZANNNN! bai!

6.35a.m.

good morning, world. today mama is calling. i made her promise to call once every two days because i'm terrified of the coming exams. what do i do without her?

to anyone who reads this, that hates me, i'm sorry. i rarely hurt people purposely, so chances are, i didn't mean to hurt you. to the rest of ye, i'm also sorry, for forever addressing the people that hates me. i just can't bear the thought of dying with unforgiven sins to people :(

happy (belated) birthday to you the tall one. i'm sorry i haven't been much of a friend lately. not replying texts, not answering when you Skype me, not asking how you're doing. you know i heart you, always.

goingcrazygoingcrazygoingCRAZY

EXAAAAAAMSSSSSSSSSS.....urghhh tak sukeee.

...

MARA haven't paid my school fees.

Final exam in three weeks.

Warning e-mail received saying that i have to pay my fees to be able to sit for the exams.

Everybody else's fees are already paid for.

Just called the fees office and En Kamis to try and solve things out.

Both are not aware of the situation.




May I please go insane from depression and pressure and from crying way too much than is necessary?

edit:

after much hassle..
(via text)
me : everything ok ke cik..? ada apa apa saya kena buat..?
En. Kamis : Dah ok. Inbois akan dihantar kpd saya untuk bayaran. Selamat mengambil peperiksaan.

ZOMG D'lloyd

i just have to blog this:

i came across this blog that plays a song originally sung by D'lloyd and i was like...OH MY GOD i used to listen to that song EVERY SINGLE morning on my way to school coz Ayahnda had (i have the feeling that he still has it..) the cassette and he'd play it over and over and OVER again and it used to drive us sisters mental, haha. i can even remember the lyrics! believe me, if you know any D'lloyd song, chances are my sisters and I would know the lyrics to that song word by word.

i hope things like going out for dinner with Tokku can still happen when i go back to Malaysia :(

Accio study moooooddd~~~!!~

dear stalker: my life, past, and how i act and speak and everything somehow ALWAYS make people have the WORST pre-judgements towards me and it is uber-easy for people in general to misunderstand me and to believe in rumours about me. so get off my case, i'm not part of the little drama you're creating. don't get things mixed up, because people WILL believe absolutely anything others say about me. they just do.

just leave me alone..pretty please...?~

and UCC, if you're reading my blog (my college is a living soul, i kid you not) i'd like to say thanks for having EPIC study tips on your site. you know i love you. someday we'll get married, kay?

and everyone else who reads my blog needs to use all hair products by John Frieda. it's fantastic and it's expensive so i can only afford to use it once, so you have to use it in my behalf so i can be happy.

and i have never been this broke. i literally can't afford to pay the money i owed Adilah even though it wasn't even 20euros. i don't even have 20euros in my bank account! (i do have some cash left though, thank God)

-end of crappy blog post-
sorry if that was a pain to read!

salam wbt :D

i want to be a humanitarian

i have wished that i can go out there and give first hand help for people since i was in mrsmpc. i have even talked to Kakwe about it. she told me that there are people in my immediate vicinity that needs help as much as those in war-torn countries and third world countries that i wanted to go to. there is some truth to that, but i just...i dont know. i cant help feeling this strong urge to just leave everything and spend a life giving. giving not to the selfish, unappreciative people i meet all the time but giving to those in dire need. when i somehow got myself on a medical degree scholarship, i wanted to work with an NGO in a war zone. i know mama would never allow me though. i just. I WANNA GO.





back to Physiology.

i cant sleeeeeeeeeeeepppppppppppppppp

it's nearly FOUR THIRTY in the morning. it's like i'm in an insomniac battle with the girl in the next room. Kakak always sleep late. can this be in the gene?

but i have a reason to be unable to sleep. a very good reason. the purpose of this blog post is so i wont be thinking of the reason. so reason; go.away.just go.out.now.

i finished reading Looking for Alaska...i've to say, it's not as great a book as i expected. but then again, maybe i put too high an expectation for it. i dont know. there's WAY too much smoke n booze in it, reading it makes me dizzy. just kidding, i was dizzy cuz i'm never not dizzy.

the book is good in that it taught me of the non-believers' view of death, and how they see us, the believers, and our view of death. it taught me of the very good education system they have in the States. it taught me about life, of how screwed up some people's lives are, and hence how i should appreciate mine. and very much so, it taught me that i should not be afraid to seek the Great Perhaps. even if the Great Perhaps is the road less trodden black. and when i get there, and it's not all shiny and glittering as i'd expected it to be, at least i can proudly say that i tried, that i've seen the Great Perhaps, and it sucks. or something. it's too late for profound thoughts. my brain isn't functioning quite right.

an excerpt;
'We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreversibly broken. We think that we are invincible because we are'

but despite all these, the book is still too American for my liking.

nak quote hadith logam tp it's nowhere in the netz.

so atiq tak boleh takut dgn the reason. sighs. i hope things doesnt swirl out of control.

goodbyez

got a call from mama just now, from tokwe's house. mom was over there visiting tok ayoh, and my aunt and a few cousins were also there, visiting and helping out. then mama has to go back home coz the two brats were left alone. where was ayahnda, now you ask? over at tokku's, keeping him company. there is one too many unwellness in my family right now. buying those expensive piece of papers probably is the best decision i've ever made my entire life.

and now to the usual goodbye i say when the exam is closing in on me. goodbyez.
i'll be back. if the life is still in me, that is.

life..we're not going to have it forever.
harsh. hush?

accept, and embrace :)
love always.

i.is.pokai.very.the.very.

more pics from jaulah Kerry :)

we stopped to take pictures pretty much everywhere.

they weren't aware of this picture being taken, and i nearly tergolek on the pasir
while capturing it, whats with the soft sand and the strong wind and trying my best to keep the camera dry.

it's a miracle that the bench tak patah, with me, aza AND ara on it. kwang2.

(click on the pictures for ultra huge versions of 'em)

it has always bugged me that..

..i can never write about the important events i went to, or current news that i cared about and know a lot on. All i seem to write about is my-friggin-self or what i feel about stuff and that's it. i can only write with my heart, and i can't write with my brain (if that makes any sense at all). it's the same way i fail at writing factual essays and excel in writing fictional essays and short stories and experience-based essays or whatever they're supposed to be called..i hope my point is taken.

i've always wondered whether this makes me stupid or shallow, and a lot of the times that's exactly the conclusion i end up making, and then i'd feel depressed reading other people's deep thoughts on current issues because sometimes they say exactly what i want to say but can't exactly deliver. i tried it from time to time, if you read all my blog posts, and i fail miserably at it. there are some that i wrote and never publish due to its super high unreadability factor.



but then again, maybe i'm just a girl who got bullied all the way throughout her childhood, so she suffer a severe case of insecurity. people around her would quite possibly happily testify to this, and also to how annoying she gets when she's in one of her insecure moods.

(sometimes i feel confident that there's a group of people that reads my blog solely to find stuff to make fun of - am i screwed up?)

Looking for Alaska by John Green

i finally got the book after much frustration and failure in trying to buy it off Amazon.com. The makcik in Eason finally gave in and ordered the book for me. i needed a dose of light-but-intelligent reads, both for my depleting English vocab and for the sanity of my brain. wide awake at 1.30am, deeply engrossed in a world other than the one i live in, is a sensation that i haven't felt since what seem to be light years away. it is a pleasantly familiar feeling, and it made me have this urge to write.

i like the smart John Green i see on YouTube, and i liked the John Green i read about on Wikipedia. i even like his brother Hank, and the hyper-nerdiness that they bestow upon the world altogether. i like the fact that he doesn't condescend the intelligence of pre-teens (who are you kidding, girl, you're 21, get over it!), and i like the fact that he's just wrote three books to date (his third book, Papertowns, had only recently been released), but both his first book, Looking for Alaska, and his second book, An Abundance of Katherines received Printz Awards, and Looking for Alaska is going to be made into a movie soon, and i like how Looking for Alaska is taught in English classes across the US. i like how successful a writer he is at such a young age, and i like how he inspired a battalion of teenagers that are his followers on YouTube.

Now, this guy is not good looking and he has a wife. so i am in no way crushing on him or something like that, but his intelligence blew me away and curiosity got the better of me, which was why i was going crazy trying to get a hold of a copy of Looking for Alaska. That, and extra points given for having a brother that runs a website that's called EcoGeek. I mean, come on, environmentalists make all the ladies weep, right? well, maybe just the geeky ones, but still.

on the issue of whether i'm going to be back home this Summer, the answer is now on my messy dressing table, along with the watches and a dried red rose and a bunch of post-it stacks and a Simpson mug i got last Christmas, standing squashed in the midst of bills and receipts, in the form of a green and yellow envelope with the picture of an airplane on it, with white letters that say 'TRAVEL DOCUMENTS' - my flight tickets; the Papers of Doom that gives us the feeling of happiness with the cost of our nutrition, because after this all i can afford to eat is pasir.

read: exaggeration.

oh my God i nearly spelled that with to x's.
i fail. (the world is a better place with spellchecks)

back to Looking for Alaska.

p.s. Dates : going back on the 9th of June, coming back on the 20th of September. i want red carpets, delicious food and lots of love, please and thank you.