of intentions, outcomes, and misunderstandings.

i seem to be misunderstood all my life, all the time. ALL the time.

i was unhappy and frustrated. i just could not understand, WHY can't people get me? why wont they trust what i say? why would they believe all these stories told by other people about me, rather than accept my explanation about what actually happened? it gets to me, it caused me to grow up into an insecure young lady, and it made me this very sensitive person who cares greatly about other people's feelings. i become this person who says sorry all the time and i become this person who thinks about other's feelings before doing something. i become this person who notices small things about someone that makes him/her special, and this person who wants to see the brighter side of things and to think a better thought about a person. a person who doesnt judge another person by what other people say about them. a person who doesnt prefer to gossip or badmouth another.

all this time i thought my past has made me a better person. today, a friend told me otherwise.

it brings me back to the days when all my good intentions are misunderstood into jealousy, into mere evil-ness. into...anything except kindness. i dont know whether theres a huge BITCH sign on my forehead, or i merely look so bitchy that my friends just refuse to believe that i meant well and i want the best for them and that i care and...sighs.

its demotivating, y know. it makes me feel like maybe i should stop caring about...anything.

Niesa is already calling me heartless sekarang...kalau i stop caring, i'd prolly be...well i dunno. lungless or organless or soulless or whotever.

i never knew my caring and loving for a person can be troublesome to the receiving party.
i never knew there is such thing as kasih sayang yang tak di-hingini.
i never knew. and for that i am sorry. i shall stop caring about you if that'll make you happy. for in the end, all i want is for all that i love to be happy.


disclaimer : i am NOT talking about a lover for i dont have any and i dont plan to. she's a friend (yes, its a she). a very good friend of mine. or so i thought.