mending. healing. moving on.

so everyone is back in Cork and the new term is already beginning..

I moved out from my temporary room in 14, The Moorings, and moved into my own room in 15, Glendale Road.


living in number 14 with Kak Cikin and Kak Rose was a great experience..may they be blessed for having such big hearts and for offering me such great company and friendship..they're like my big sisters now, i wouldnt have known Kak Cikin at all, and wouldnt have gotten so close to the both of them if not for what happened last Summer,

and the endless love from Kak Timah and those of Halldene and Charnwood is ever appreciated and they will forever be treasured as among the best thing that ever happened to me~

the acceptance of Ayahnda, Mama, Tokku and my sisters about my situation and what i'm going through, and the immense support from my close friends from all over the globe, in Malaysia, Ireland, New Zealand, India..will always be the pillar of my strength~



Summer had been bittersweet, perhaps with the bitter part being a bit more intense than the sweet part,


but then again,



Summer is moving on into Autumn,


so i'm moving on, too. accepting i'm repeating First Year. telling people that must know about it. making appointments to view the Autumn scripts. asking about registering for Repeat year. copying down infos about available jobs. taking on my role as Public Relations Officer for UCC's Muslim Cultural Society. beginning to choose and plan going to the various lectures of First Year and Second Year alike. braving the funny/perhaps-slightly-condescending looks and glances my (non-Malaysian) ex-classmates are giving me (i guess they realized i didnt turn up during this first week's classes). settling down into the big room in 15, Glendale Road.

pray for me,


i'm feeling a lot better now, thanks to all of you.

i appreciate every single word said and every small gesture did,


Alhamdulillah, God blessed me with such a wonderful family and group of friends.



assalamualaikum,
mwahness.

"it comes in waves...."

one minute i'm okay, happy and laughing..one minute i'm down and crying and frustrated and pissed at myself..


failure.

its something i'm not quite used to.
i'm afraid i've run out of luck as soon as i stepped foot on this country of shamrocks and leprechauns.


i'm repeating first year.

i'm repeating first year.



met Dr. Oflynn and she said,

"there's no way the medical school can allow you to carry a 15 credit subject to Second Year. you'll never catch up. we don't want to be held responsible for over-burdening you. we don't want to destroy your future by allowing that to happen"

as much as i hate to admit it, i'm scared of that, too...no matter how determined and strong-willed i seem to be on the outside~

"Prof. Harris and Prof. Gebruer looked through your paper again and again, but they just can't pass you. The Physiology department felt really bad for failing you thus causing you to repeat the whole year for just one module"

i guess i really suck at CVS Physiology then. no point doing a recheck.

"the medical Exam Board specifically discussed you, but there really is nothing we can do to help..i'm so sorry Atiqah. i know it've been a very bad day, but there'll be excellent days, too.."

by this time i was already crying and apologizing for it profusely at the same time, i was an absolute mess, the fact that there's nothing i can do about this and the fact that i really do have to repeat first year was slowly, painfully, sinking in.

"Dont worry about your scholarship, i'll write a very strong reccomendation letter to MARA saying we'll be surprised if this happens to you again, i'm sure they wont stop giving you allowance in final year"

thanking her profusely. told her i'm scared and i feel like such a failure, having to repeat friggin FIRST year.

"Atiqah, there's this student i know. He repeated first year, but never failed any more exams afterwards, and he graduated First in his class. he was just as upset as you are back then. nobody remembers that he repeated first year, and nobody cared about it. people rarely remember what happens in First Year, but they usually do remember what happen later on. it can happen to you, too. you just have to get yourself through this,"

to the guy, whoever you are...thanks for succeeding and thanks for being that silver lining i really need...you'll always be my inspiration~


so this is it, everyone. FM1002 all over again.


i still dont have the courage to discuss it or talk about it on the phone or text or face-to-face or anything such. i'm sorry...but writing this entry is as far as i can go~




this may sound a bit selfish...

i'll seek comfort and support from you when i feel ready to accept it, kay..~ i need a little bit more time~

its not that i dont appreciate it, i DO, i really, really, do...i'm just not ready for it just yet..



i love you. all of you. now, always, forever.

mwahness.

people...~

with the number of people asking me about things, i cant possibly repeat whats going on to everyone, since i'm in a roller coaster of emotions, and i have a bejillion things to settle right now

1. with the medical school

I e-mailed the Dean and she had kindly agreed to see me to discuss the matter, and i shall beg, cry, do whatever it takes to either
a. do an oral to up my marks so i can pass
b. carry the one subject to Second Year
c. if it comes to it, i'll tell med school they can kick me out if i dont manage to pass everything next year, just please give me the chance to carry the subject, and i'll prove myself worthy of it. I shall have no life next term, there shall be no long shopping trips, no watching movies, no going to Dublin to see Lynn, and no travelling, i promise, i swear.


2. with MARA, my periuk nasi

they wont be giving any allowances for me when i reach my final year if i have to repeat any year in med school...so i'd either

a. ask for a student loan from Bank of Ireland.
b. ask for a loan from Tokku, i'll pay it back, i'll pay it back..

i havent contacted En. Kamis yet, i want to see what medschool has to say first.
oh. maybe i should tell him what i'm doing now.




okay. okay.

i'm being rational, positive, and i'm trying to solve this problem.


no more suicidal and negative talks. i'm sorry, i'm sorry..



if not for these great people around me i would never have gained strength to wake up and keep going,



kakak if you're reading this pls tell Mama for me.

i still dont have the strength to talk to her.

and thus the verdict came out...

everyone is flooding my phone inbox and yahoo messenger going

"hows ur results?"

i cant not answer it and i cant say it over and over and over again because its killing me..


i failed FM1002. passed FM1003,



with absolutely NO idea how that happened.

NO idea how to be positive.

NObody with me.

NO idea how to stop feeling like a complete loser.

NO idea how to not think i'm the stupidest medical student ever existed.

NO idea how to stop sobbing.

NO idea what i did wrong.

NO idea how to face the world.

NO idea to where to find strength.

NO idea how to talk to Mama and what to say to her.




and a million ideas of how i can stop this pain, this frustration, this confusion..




dont worry i'll be fine. promise.

ahahahaha. omg i cant stop laughing...this is so funny.

Tengku Nur Atiqah -- [adjective]: Banshee-like 'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

mr. potatohead.. mm-hmm. definitely :D

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

f.u.t.u.r.

I was blog-surfing, stumbled into a lot of my friends' blogs, with many different approaches towards life, and many different objectives to be blogging..

it brought me back to who i wanted me to be, before Summer, before Malaysia, before....


oh.


Kak Nang was so right. she knew this would happen,

Akak, i just dont have the strength to, i dont know where to start, and when i do start, i dont know how to stick to it, macam trapped in a fierce ocean wave, drowning, gasping for air~

i dont think it's healthy to only be that person when i'm around the right people, and transform into the old me when not..i'm too weak to stand my ground when i'm alone..i dont see it as hypocrisy, as i really felt it, i was honest and sincere and true...but i'm sure everybody else will just assume that that's what it is, that's who i am...a hypocrite.

i feel like all i do is give a bad name to the rest of the people choosing this road, jalan yang berbukit dan berbatu, the one less travelled by~

bukit iman dan futur Atiq sangat tinggi...i dont think it qualifies as bukit anymore, its gunung...Gunung Everest...


Astaghfirullahalazim...


what in the world have i done?

AAArrrgh sedihnye.

God i feel so down,

i was reading one of the soft copy novels Opie sent to me.. she was very excited about it and all, so i decided to give it a go, eventhough setting novel tu sungguh 90's..it brought me waaayy back when i was in primary school, during the era of rollerblading, when Kakak was wearing super huge skater t-shirts (hope u dont mind me revealing that Kak, hehe), and everyone loves KRU's rap songs...nostalgic in a way, to be honest~

i finished the first novel (a sort of prequel to the one i'm reading now) last night, with Kak Cikin ironing her baju sambil membebel kat sbelah sebab Atiq tak layan die (die tension sebab the day after that was supposed to be her first day with a new team kat hospital, hehe..ampun akak!).. i have this habit of shutting out the world when i'm reading,

anyway i just reached the 22nd page of the novel when i started feeling sad,


Opie said the novel meant a lot to her, and she said it reminds her of me in a way..



and as i was reading it, memang i can feel the connection..it reminds me of us,


i have this deep affection for Opie,

dari zaman kecik2 lagi i'm very protective of her...she was my world back then, during the days when Kakwe, Kakak, and Awah were still these bullying little monsters, and i was never close to Arwah Anis.. i dont quite remember why, but i'm sure it's my fault..sampai sekarang menyesal gile, tapi i cant turn back time...~



i suppose our childhood is the main reason why me and Opie are so close now..


and Opie, if you're reading this, i really miss you~

pagi buta in Malaysia sekarang so i cant possibly send you a text...i'll text you tomorrow, aite?

Hello, can I speak to Tenuku?

great.

just great.

another name...haih.

the guy from Bank of Ireland called me Tenggu.

Onder the Turkish guy calls me Ataki.

Rolex the Chinese guy calls me Akita.

(Atiqah, refrain yourself from stating that they have weird names, dont do to others what you dont want others do to you.)

JR's dad called me Tisha.

Domino's saved my details, and they're forever printing my name Adeeka on the pizza boxes.

i suppose i just have to come to terms with the fact that some people will never be able to pronounce my name properly..it comes with a package as a foreigner come to live overseas, the locals just get flabbergasted everytime we tell them our names.



not to be unthankful, most of them do know how to say Atiqah properly.


the only person that doesnt have this problem is, of course, Kak Rose. cehss.




p.s. Anyway i'm super glad the guy from Sony Centre called...i can have my mp3 back, yeayyy!!!

stranded.

i just got back from Limerick and since Kak Rose and Kak Cikin are at Kak Yuli's place, i'm stranded in an internet cafe in North Main Street...with a bladder that's ready to burst.

i didnt go jalan-jalan in Limerick, just went to visit Kak Timah and Kak Wani,

which was better then any jalan-jalan activity, of course. Atiq kawan dengan senior2 la skarang, since people from my batch lambat lagi nak balik Cork.. (korang, Atiq rindu!) it was kinda fun being the youngest, i got to get away with the evil things i do, kekeke. at one point Kak Yan said,

"awak ni ingatkan akak dekat satu character kartun ni...ape ek. alar yang comeyl2 tu...alien tu.."

and i picked my MOTOKRZR up and showed her the handphone charm Charlene bought for me when she went to Disneyland in Paris last term

"ni..?"

the shocked Kak Yan then said,

"haa...ni laaa! ape dah name die?"

its a Stitch, and Charlene bought it for me saying it reminds her of me, "innocent-looking mischievous little devil", she said.

hee-hee :p

how i miss apartment 58.

i meet a lot of great people here, and i thank God for giving me these great companions to be like a second family to me...happy sangat jumpe the seniors and spending time with them, :D

and i suppose if its not for the fact that i had to come back here earlier, i wouldn't have gotten to know Kak Cikin yang busyuk dan Kak Rose yang comeyl...and a lot of other very nice seniors (and their babies...hehe) yang Atiq tak kenal pun before,

there's a bright side to most things if you think hard enough :D

oooh.

the all-Ireland hurling final match wud be on later today. if the Americans of apt58 ade mesti they're already drooling over the players in front of the tv now, haha ^.^

football is the game in a lot of countries, but for Ireland....its hurling.

its Limerick vs Kilkenny.

Kak Timah said it've been a veeeery long time since Limerick got to the finals, so you can imagine how Limerick was when i was there tadi and yesterday. a lot of cars and houses were bearing the green and white Limerick flag, and there's a huge "GOOD LUCK LIMERICK" banner up on the train station.

there's even this pakcik who got up to us at the bus stop especially to tell us about the match!



it've been a fun weekend, full of kasih sayang :D