Fear factor

Setiap hari aku derhaka pada Tuhan.

Sengaja. Tak sengaja. Tabiat.

Bila aku keluarkan buku untuk belajar, hati mula diruntun rasa bersalah. Nak baca doa, tersekat di kerongkong. Air liur rasa macam air longkang. Well, aku tak pernah rasa air longkang, tapi aku agak-agak dia rasa macam tu. Kot.

Kenapa aku takut sangat nak final exam dalam masa dua bulan lagi?

Aku takut kerana. Kerana aku sebenarnya tak jahil. Tapi aku yang pilih untuk menjahilkan persepsi aku sendiri. Allah tunjukkan aku jalan tapi kaki aku kaku di tapak yang sama.

Aku takut kerana. Kerana aku tahu, bukan lagi syaitan yang patut aku persalahkan. Iman aku lemah. Aku tunduk pada nafsu. Lalai. Hanyut.

Aku takut kerana. Kerana aku tahu, result exam aku, dah lama tercatat di Luh Mahfuz. Allah tetapkan, sesuai dengan apa yang aku deserve. Yang terbaik untuk aku, sebab Allah Maha Mengetahui.

And right now, honestly speaking?

I don't deserve anything good from Him.

That's the reason.

That's why I'm so scared.





Ramai orang tak suka diajak membayangkan syurga dan neraka.

Benci, mungkin.

Menyampah, mungkin.

Tapi Allah rahmati aku dengan kawan-kawan yang sentiasa ingatkan aku tentang itu.

Dan setiap kali.

Hati aku reput dalam ketakutan.





Atiqah

Passive/Aggressive

There is this one time when I saw a tweet making fun of people who like posting passive aggressive tweets, saying only the cowards/immature do that. Masa baca tu memang terasa gila. Lepas tu berazam nak stop, or at least kurangkan, passive aggressive posts. Kalau bengang atau nak tegur orang, if I have some balls, cakap la terus dekat orang tu, senang cite. Kan? Lagipun kalau perli orang yang tak makan saman, sampai bila-bila dia tak faham hahahaha cis buang karan.

At least kalau ada salah faham, boleh clearkan. Kalau ada minor differences, boleh bincang. Kan lebih indah. Kan lebih berseni. Kan lebih sensitif pada perasaan orang lain. Banyak kali terserempak dengan hadith2 yang startled me, in terms of betapa Islam menitikberatkan menjaga hati sesama manusia. Serious. Bisik2 berdua in the presence of orang ketiga yang tak diajak berbisik sama pun is considered very rude and antara benda yang sangat ditegah dalam pergaulan dengan manusia lain. Huhuhuhu so thoughtful peraturan ini :')

Tapi bila emotionally unstable, kadang-kadang buat jugak.

Sekali harini, sendiri kena perli kat orang. Haaaaaaahahaha rasakan kau.

It's really not a nice thing to do to people. Especially to those who care about us. As in, not just that one special person. Cousins, sisters, friends.

Kalau sincere nak tegur, buat lah betul-betul. Kan? Perli-perli ni macam datang dari hati yang busuk je.

Ish. Janji tak buat daaahh u________________u


Sudah tergopoh, baru terngadah. Eh? Macam salah. Hahahahahahahaaaaastopit.



Kalau tak nak orang buat kat kita, pokok pangkalnya, jangan buat dekat orang.




Are we good? Good.







Kadang-kadang, diam itu jauh lebih baik.
Kan?


x
Atiq

2011/2012

Hey!

How dead is this blog? Haha. Sorry I've been neglecting you baby, it's not you, it's me.

Anyways.

It's the first of January 2012! I know some people are like 'WE ALREADY CELEBRATED NEW YEAR WUTZ THIZ KAFIR MENTALITY RAWR RAWR?!?' but hey - like it or not - we celebrate birthdays, start college term, remember the dates of significant events, all by their Masihi dates.

Now that we got past that,

Happy New Year, Bubble Bath. I know I changed your name and made you private because I freaked out the moment I found out my aunts were reading you, but you'll always be my Bubble Bath. My darling new-age imaginary friend.

A lot of things happened in 2011. Let's be typical and try to list them out, yeah? (But you're so nyanyuk there's no way you'll remember!) Yeah, let's do them. I'll remember at least, like, 5 things?

• I was in Paris the 1st of January!
  
• Passed fourth year of medical school....phew. If only you know how difficult fourth year was, blog. It was hell, I tell ya.
• Raya at home for the first time in FIVE years!
• Met my future in-laws, embarassed myself (but of course) by letting slip a 'Gi dulu pa' instead of 'Gi dulu uncle' *facepalm*
  
• Enrolled myself in final year of medical school!
• Dilamar orang secara jarak jauh :)
• Threw caution to the wind and let myself to fall truly, madly, deeply, in love.

Would've been more interesting if I include pictures but it's half two in the morning.

I hope 2012 is going to bring me many good things insyaAllah.

I look forward to my graduation and wedding :)

Dengan izin Yang Maha Mengetahui.

xoxo

Tengku Nur Atiqah.

facing my fears/dreams

hey :)

There are many things in life that I wish I had learned to do. I remember in standard six, when my English teacher asked us what our hobby was. I said 'I'd like to swim...but I don't know how to.'

Even though there are many things on my list that I probably will never get round to properly learn (piano, horseback riding, archery), there is one thing that I am determined to master, or at least get pretty good at, before I go back to Malaysia.

Painting.

I have always liked paintings. I may have never received a formal education on it, and sometimes I like cheap street paintings more than the real-deal ones hung in exhibitions and museums - but I love them. Adore them. Understand them. (Not in a deep-pretentious-stare-at-painting-and-think-hard-about-the-message kind of way, of course.)

My favourites will always be van Gogh and Claude Monet, and it is a pity that I went to Paris for such a brief period and did not get to visit as many ar museums as I would have. Well...if I went with someone who would actually let me stay in there for as long as I liked, that is.

But because paintings are so dear to me, I was reluctant to try it. There is a voice in my head that keeps going 'what if I find out I suck at it?' 'what if I think I'm brilliant but everyone else thinks I suck?' etc etc. So I always go to Eason to stare at paintbrushes and acrylic colours...but never actually buying them.

Eventually, a few months ago when there was a back-to-college sale, I somehow managed to brave/psyche myself enough to purchase them. I was very pleased with myself for being able to get this far...however, when I got home, I placed the paperbag in the deepest of my closet.

And then they never saw daylight ever again.

I googled acrylic painting tips and techniques during my study break, viewed countless example paintings for beginners, but I was just too scared to actually do it. I emailed Luke (the one with the Art degree) for advice...and all he said was;

'The best advice I can give you is to just start painting. I'll help you through road blocks along the way.'

After days of exasperations and feeling frustrated with myself for being such a scaredy cat...I finally did it.




I have obviously forgotten to wet the paper first and painted base so the texture won't show, and didn't mount/tape the paper on something so it won't curl after it was done.

But still.


I think it's a good start.




...and man, wasn't that such a relief.


x

Baby, can I buy you a drink?

Final year has finally kicked in, full gear.

I'm tempted to hide all day because I don't want to face my weaknesses.

Alas, I am Atiqah. Despite being almost pathologically insane and having a heart made of cold hard rock (I stared blankly and gave a polite 'okay' with a smile as Mr McGreal throws rude comments my way...there's no way I'm giving him the satisfaction of watching me break under pressure), I have quite a good chunk of patience and common sense within me.

So I stood there as the surgeons drilled me with questions, I stood there while the team made fun of (and laughed at) my wrong answer, I stood there when McGreal cupped his head in his hands to show his frustration with me (and to make me feel stupid).

I stood there and admitted to myself that I suck at surgery and anatomy.

Not that this means I deserve to be treated like a useless airhead, but.

McGreal does teach, and he does want me to actually learn from his ward rounds, and clinics, and surgeries. So I should give him credit for that.

I'm waking up way earlier than what I'm used to, and I'm way too tired at the end of the day to do much studying at all.

My laundry basket looks like it's about to explode, and I only have dinner about twice a week.

My life is a disorganized array of events, and I feel like I have lost control of it completely.

This is final year of medical school,

what did I expect?





x
Atiqah

hidup dah lain sejak separuh dari kawan-kawan (yang merupakan DUNIA atiq dalam kehidupan di perantauan) pulang memulakan kehidupan baru di Malaysia.

atiq dah jarang makan malam sekarang. tak suka. tak sama. mas dah takde kat sini lagi dengan atiq. rasa macam takde penutup yang boleh buat hati atiq tenang dan terima the fact that mas dah balik. mendadak sangat dia tukar fikiran. cuti musim panas haritu tak dapat jumpa pun.

dulu Raudhah bising dengan suara atiq, sampai aliyah merungut (haha).

sekarang, dunia atiq hanya bilik, dan Skype.

oh, tahun akhir.

how do you wish to see life?

I had a tutorial today, on 'safe prescribing'. Basically it's about the art of drugging humans out of their misery, without killing them completely and/or without screwing them over so bad that they actually notice that it was all our doing.

I am quite the cynic, in case you still haven't noticed.

'Give me an example of a combination drug, made to reduce the number of pills the patients have to take.' the tutor asked.

'Spiriva...' Niall replied, his voice trailing off at the end, suggesting that he was not sure with his choice of answer.

'Combivent.' I said, correcting him on the name of the combination inhaler that I knew was actually what he was thinking about. The tutor looked over at me and smiled. After tens of minutes has passed by with her neverending sarcastic comments on the politics of the pharmaceutical world, she turned back to me and asked;

'Do you know what the patient-based surveys discovered, on the colour of the pill that was thought by the patients to have the best outcome?'

'Blue?' I asked, smiling with the corner of my mouth, with a glint of mischief in my eyes. I turned over to my five groupmates and saw TJ looking at me, his expression mirrorring mine. Turning back to the tutor, I gave a tiny sigh as I realized that she, of course, did not get the humour behind my answer. She has went on to rattle about how the patients love the unexpected temporary high they get out of their steroids, and how they thus commonly associate this with efficacy.


Steroids are the little red pills.


The sheer irony of it all amused me to no end.



x
Atiqah.

Funny how things just...

When we moved in to the new house, I was automatically elected to make a house chores roster wheel, because I like to pretend I'm a creative artsy schmartsy person. I know, I can be a bit douchey sometimes. Bear with me, will you? You ARE my diary, after all.

So earlier today, after four whole weeks of procrastination, I finally decided that it's high time for me to make the damned wheel. Mostly because the house is currently resembling the aftermath of a tsunami. As I was rummaging through my arts and crafts box to look for coloured papers, something caught my eyes, and made me pause.

It was a sketch book, bounded in spiral, with a bright canary yellow cover. I bought it around July of 2007. Most of the pages have been torn out, there was only a few blank sheets left. Well...they were all blank, except for one.

There was a half-done pencil sketch of the small and disgusting pond in Fitzgerald Park. I used to go there all the time when I first got here. I used to LOVE that stupid pond.

As I was staring at that sketch, I remembered.

I remembered why I started drawing it,

and I remembered why I stopped,

half way through.

And for many reasons we both know, it all felt rather...bittersweet.

Funny how things worked out just fine in the end.

Funny how I've always thought it was impossible.



Funny how a terrible sketch can paint a love song in my head.



xoxo
Atiqah