The beginning / The end

Dear blog,

It feels surreal. Right now, this moment. It feels surreal. I still have tears welling up in my eyes, and I cannot believe how fortunate I am. Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah.

When I first started writing this blog five years ago, I was at the lowest point of my life. I was failing medical school, and This Boy that I really, really, liked walked away for another girl. There were moments where I would stare at the veranda of the apartment and thought about jumping out. Moments where I would ride my bike along that curb near River Lee and thought about dashing to the middle of the street so I'd get run over. They were moments I never want to relive and wish would never happen to anyone else, ever.

But I learned a lot about life in that autumn of 2007. About love, family and friendship. Allah sent me an amazing group of people to surround me and make sure I did not give up, so I can live in this moment here, right now.

The very first name that I gave you was 'Bukan. Lagi. Sephia', because at that time I thought The Boy was finally falling for me. I thought he was finally choosing me, after keeping me in the background of his life for so long, despite how close we were. Little did I know that he did not really mean his words when he said he liked me. And that he would, out of the blue, be in a relationship with a different girl a couple of weeks afterwards.

So I renamed you to Bubble Bath soon after, and that was the name that most people have known you for, because it was the name that stuck the longest when your setting was public. I named you that because I used to bathe for hours on end in that bathtub in The Moorings when Kak Cikin and Kak Rose went to work, trying to let the days melt together so I didn't have to actually exist. Sometimes I would fall asleep in it. You helped me heal, blog, and people used to come here to say nice things to me and help me patch my wounds when times are rough. You will always, always, be my Bubble Bath.   

I feel like the reason I haven't blogged so much anymore is because you have been successful in your mission. 

I am healed, blog. I am. And I am eternally grateful.

I just passed medical school. I don't know how I did it, but I did. People are going to start calling me Doctor, and life is not going to get any easier after this, but right now, I am happy. I am content.

And

I am marrying The Boy. He chose me. He looked me in the eye and told me he loved me. I know what you're thinking. Why would I do that? Why would I take him back? 

Because. Because I never stopped loving him. 

But don't worry! I didn't talk to him for a whole year, and rejected him for two years after that, refusing to take his word when he said it was me that he wanted. So I didn't just give him an easy pass, I promise.

I'm not even sure exactly how it happened (as is the case for most things when it comes to me), but, like a beautifully written serendipity, it just fell into place. Swiftly, elegantly.

I'm in a good place in life right now.

Having said all of that, I need to actually come down to the reason why I dropped by today to write this post. I am closing this blog from viewing, forever. I know it is already private right now, and people rarely even visit anymore because I rarely publish entries. But I'm making it official by removing all of the invited readers. 

Even though we went through a lot together, I feel like this is necessary so I can move on to my next phase of life; as a doctor, a wife, a mom (!! are you scared? I know I am). It doesn't mean I'm trying to forget this phase of my life, God no. I believe it was a very, very, important part of my life that has moulded me into the almost completely different (and hopefully better) person that I am right now. But it was also painful and tough, and I wish to step forward from now on, and never look back again.

There are many posts in here that I am quite proud of, and thus I will not be deleting it altogether. It reminds me of my original dream of being a writer, and I will always hold on to it.

Thank you for the good times and the bad times, my loyal Bubble Bath.

Thank you for coming along for the ride.

With all my heart and love,

Dr Tengku Nur 'Atiqah.

MB, BCh, BAO.

My classmates are crazy.

(/on a lighter note...)

"Are we driving to the maternity hospital, or are we taking a cab?" Andrea asked, confused as to what our plan was, on how to get to the next tutorial from the Midwestern Regional Hospital we're doing our Paediatrics rotation in.

"I could drive, I don't mind."

"But Laura...there are six of us*."

"One of us can lie in the car boot"

"Niall's the smallest!" I chipped in quickly, a huge grin plastered on my face.

"...said Atiqah, as she looks UP to me." Well. Niall is actually taller.

I rolled my eyes and we all walked to the parking lot, where Laura parked her car. I was naturally the last one to reach her car, seeing as everyone else was from the Long-Legged Caucasian alien race. When I got there, everyone was gathered at the back of the car, and I saw Niall climbing into the boot.

"Wait guys, you were actually SERIOUS about this?!?!"

"No shit."

"But..." I started, but everyone else was already getting into the car, leaving Niall in the boot like it was the most natural thing to do ever.

Hilarious exchanges include;

Mike: Is there a road with a lot of speed bumps that we can go through...?
Niall: *yelling from the boot* I HEARD THAT MIKE.

Andrea: Are you still alive, Niall?
Niall: Yeeaaap.

Laura: Would you like some music, Niall?
Niall: Crank it upppp!!

Also, on the way back, there was a strong smell of something delicious in the car, and nobody knew what is was.

Well. It was Niall, eating his lunch in the car boot because he was bored.




I'm going to miss these nutjobs.



Atiqah

*In Ireland, you can't squeeze as many people as you like in a car. You can get pulled over by the guards** for carrying five passengers instead of four.
**The Irish call their cops the Gardai. But because the Irish language is going extinct, they just call them guards, which is, the english translation of gardai.

Fear factor

Setiap hari aku derhaka pada Tuhan.

Sengaja. Tak sengaja. Tabiat.

Bila aku keluarkan buku untuk belajar, hati mula diruntun rasa bersalah. Nak baca doa, tersekat di kerongkong. Air liur rasa macam air longkang. Well, aku tak pernah rasa air longkang, tapi aku agak-agak dia rasa macam tu. Kot.

Kenapa aku takut sangat nak final exam dalam masa dua bulan lagi?

Aku takut kerana. Kerana aku sebenarnya tak jahil. Tapi aku yang pilih untuk menjahilkan persepsi aku sendiri. Allah tunjukkan aku jalan tapi kaki aku kaku di tapak yang sama.

Aku takut kerana. Kerana aku tahu, bukan lagi syaitan yang patut aku persalahkan. Iman aku lemah. Aku tunduk pada nafsu. Lalai. Hanyut.

Aku takut kerana. Kerana aku tahu, result exam aku, dah lama tercatat di Luh Mahfuz. Allah tetapkan, sesuai dengan apa yang aku deserve. Yang terbaik untuk aku, sebab Allah Maha Mengetahui.

And right now, honestly speaking?

I don't deserve anything good from Him.

That's the reason.

That's why I'm so scared.





Ramai orang tak suka diajak membayangkan syurga dan neraka.

Benci, mungkin.

Menyampah, mungkin.

Tapi Allah rahmati aku dengan kawan-kawan yang sentiasa ingatkan aku tentang itu.

Dan setiap kali.

Hati aku reput dalam ketakutan.





Atiqah

Passive/Aggressive

There is this one time when I saw a tweet making fun of people who like posting passive aggressive tweets, saying only the cowards/immature do that. Masa baca tu memang terasa gila. Lepas tu berazam nak stop, or at least kurangkan, passive aggressive posts. Kalau bengang atau nak tegur orang, if I have some balls, cakap la terus dekat orang tu, senang cite. Kan? Lagipun kalau perli orang yang tak makan saman, sampai bila-bila dia tak faham hahahaha cis buang karan.

At least kalau ada salah faham, boleh clearkan. Kalau ada minor differences, boleh bincang. Kan lebih indah. Kan lebih berseni. Kan lebih sensitif pada perasaan orang lain. Banyak kali terserempak dengan hadith2 yang startled me, in terms of betapa Islam menitikberatkan menjaga hati sesama manusia. Serious. Bisik2 berdua in the presence of orang ketiga yang tak diajak berbisik sama pun is considered very rude and antara benda yang sangat ditegah dalam pergaulan dengan manusia lain. Huhuhuhu so thoughtful peraturan ini :')

Tapi bila emotionally unstable, kadang-kadang buat jugak.

Sekali harini, sendiri kena perli kat orang. Haaaaaaahahaha rasakan kau.

It's really not a nice thing to do to people. Especially to those who care about us. As in, not just that one special person. Cousins, sisters, friends.

Kalau sincere nak tegur, buat lah betul-betul. Kan? Perli-perli ni macam datang dari hati yang busuk je.

Ish. Janji tak buat daaahh u________________u


Sudah tergopoh, baru terngadah. Eh? Macam salah. Hahahahahahahaaaaastopit.



Kalau tak nak orang buat kat kita, pokok pangkalnya, jangan buat dekat orang.




Are we good? Good.







Kadang-kadang, diam itu jauh lebih baik.
Kan?


x
Atiq

2011/2012

Hey!

How dead is this blog? Haha. Sorry I've been neglecting you baby, it's not you, it's me.

Anyways.

It's the first of January 2012! I know some people are like 'WE ALREADY CELEBRATED NEW YEAR WUTZ THIZ KAFIR MENTALITY RAWR RAWR?!?' but hey - like it or not - we celebrate birthdays, start college term, remember the dates of significant events, all by their Masihi dates.

Now that we got past that,

Happy New Year, Bubble Bath. I know I changed your name and made you private because I freaked out the moment I found out my aunts were reading you, but you'll always be my Bubble Bath. My darling new-age imaginary friend.

A lot of things happened in 2011. Let's be typical and try to list them out, yeah? (But you're so nyanyuk there's no way you'll remember!) Yeah, let's do them. I'll remember at least, like, 5 things?

• I was in Paris the 1st of January!
  
• Passed fourth year of medical school....phew. If only you know how difficult fourth year was, blog. It was hell, I tell ya.
• Raya at home for the first time in FIVE years!
• Met my future in-laws, embarassed myself (but of course) by letting slip a 'Gi dulu pa' instead of 'Gi dulu uncle' *facepalm*
  
• Enrolled myself in final year of medical school!
• Dilamar orang secara jarak jauh :)
• Threw caution to the wind and let myself to fall truly, madly, deeply, in love.

Would've been more interesting if I include pictures but it's half two in the morning.

I hope 2012 is going to bring me many good things insyaAllah.

I look forward to my graduation and wedding :)

Dengan izin Yang Maha Mengetahui.

xoxo

Tengku Nur Atiqah.