self-fulfilling prophecy

the attachment theory. in child psychiatry we are taught about the complicated attachment that a child develops towards his/her parents.

when i was small, mama would tell me she's going downstairs to do some sewing (back when the sewing machine was not a mere artefact sitting there in the storage room) while my nanny hold the screaming, struggling, four year old Atiqah in her arms. then mama would go to work. then Atiqah would discover this later, and continues her high pitched tantrum, and stops only when she gets absolutely exhausted from it.

you see, people usually grow up and out of this phase. teenagers would commonly tell their parents nothing and would try and keep the parents as in the dark as is possible.

but not for Atiqah. Atiqah gets stuck in that phase.

after mama, i got intensely attached to my nanny. i had a week's worth of high fever when she moved out from my house to get married and move on with her life. and then i got attached to my friends. very, very, attached to them to a point where i tend to drive them away, from my obsessiveness, and jealousy. they must always be MY friend, and i always have to be their TOP priority.

thankfully i began to realize that i have a tendency to suffocate my friends, so i start to distance myself from people in a difficult attempt to be a normal friend and not be a freakishly close to being psycho one.

somehow along that time frame boys began to pay attention to me (for some bizarre reason), and, naturally afterwards, i began to latch on to these unexpecting string of XYs, commonly draining the living soul out of them. needless to say, the only relationships that developed into more than just a fling, and survived more than a few weeks were the ones involving boys who were really, really, in love with me that they were completely blinded and did not see, or were willing to put up with my crazyself.

then, as was the way with the friendship case, i began to realize that i am an absolutely selfish and self-centered bit...person when it comes to relationships. everything has to be about me, i constantly obsess over the little details, basically doing the things most girls do...multiplied by ten. this realization is more complicated though, because then what would i do? distance myself so i wouldn't be so attached? might as well NOT have a relationship altogether, no?

i always warn boys that are attracted to me, that i only sound like good news when i'm a FRIEND, and that i really do not function well as a girlfriend. either i would get way too attached, or way too distanced because i'm scared of getting way too attached and risk losing them.

right now all i am is just sick and tired of this race against myself. i always work so hard to please people in general, no matter how many times i hear them say i should just be myself and people who are not okay with it can go to hell. i can't, i can't. i HAVE to make people like me, it's the only way i know how to function.

problem is, all of these things are in my head. what people around me experience would be seeing me happy, seeing me suddenly distancing myself from them, seeing me getting depressed for apparently no reason at all, seeing me be happy again.

how, how do i tell all this to people i care about without sounding like an absolute freak?

i can't, is the answer.

i am one hell of a complicated girl, and only someone with an illogical amount of patience would be willing to spend the entirety of his life consoling me everytime i cry for no reason.

you see, i don't think i will ever meet this guy, and even if i do? i don't think it would be fair for him.

i have issues and i probably should get myself sorted out without dragging anyone else into this mess.



lots of love.
Atiqah

p.s. i say all this...but then again i'll probably be okay tomorrow. dammit i'm so bipolar.

my skin is an invisibility cloak

David Burgess : Hey Aza, what rotation you on now?

Atiqah : *looks up from filling a styrofoam cup with water* Well I'm not Aza, but I'm on medicine rotation.

(I know his freaking LAST NAME, for God's sake! Whatever, David Ber-Gas!)

* * *

Earlier today, our consultant brought us all to a small bar in town for coffee. As I was sitting there on a barstool, watching CNN;

Atiqah : Did a war broke in Korea?!

Connor : Yeap. Hey...Atiqah. Where are you from?

Atiqah : *nearly choked on her coffee* uhm, Malaysia...?

(where the heck ELSE can I be from?!)

* * *

(side story:)

Dr O'Leary : Let's talk about Japan. If you look at satellite pictures of Japan in spring...what are you going to see?

*room fell into silence*

Atiqah : ...sakura?

Dr O'Leary : *looks at Atiqah with a blank face*

Atiqah : ...sakura?

Dr O'Leary : *frowns eyebrows*

Atiqah : oh, sorry. cherry blossoms.

Dr O'Leary : YES! You're a fantastic medical student, aren't you!

Atiqah : ............... *headdesk*

Deathly Hallows part 1 reaction blog

this is going to be a rant about Harry Potter. consider yourself warned.


I don't think I've ever mentioned it on here, but I am OBSESSED with Harry Potter. Ever since Kakak brought home the first book she borrowed from her friend all those years ago, I have been a huge fan. This was before the movies came out. I've always been a book geek.

When everybody else loved Enid Blyton for the Famous Five series, or the Adventure series, I would skip those titles when I was scanning my eyes over the books in my school library, and stop at the ones with elves and gnomes and fairies and toys that come alive at night. I have always been a girl who finds the endless borders of fantasyland way, way more attractive than reality. This is why I absolutely adore Narnia, and Lord of the Rings.

So when I began reading that first HP book Kakak brought home I almost immediately knew I was going to be attached to that series. Going to that movie today felt so unreal and intense because it's the first part of the final movie.

I loved the beginning when Hermione casted the obliviate spell on her parents so they won't remember her, and Harry looking at the Dursleys moving out of the house...and just the feeling that they're preparing for never being able to go back to their old lives again. And I liked that the scene where they all drank the polyjuice potion and become Harry was both funny and powerful.

Another scene that I thought was really really good was the one at the Malfoy Manor when they were all downstairs in the cellar and they could hear Hermione's screams from being tortured by Bellatrix. I think Draco's acting was very good throughout, I like that we could all see how weak and scared the Malfoys actually are, it builds up to what's going to happen in part 2 pretty well.

I also really like the way they did the Tale of the Three Brothers scene, it was completely different from the rest of the movie and I felt like it was believeable, as a story that the children of the wizarding world grow up with. They also portrayed the Ministry of Magic polyjuice potion scene really well, it was both funny and nervewrecking.

I know they left a LOT of scenes out, like the Harry/Dudley conversation at the beginning that to me was really important, but it was forgivable since the rest of it was spot-on. When Harry was telling Ron he was going to open the locket I immediately whispered 'Haasssssa heesssss sseyyyy suss' because I knew it had to be opened in Parseltongue, and 5 seconds after that Harry said 'Heeessssaa seeeaasss suss'. Niesa just looked at me with her 'You're so obsessed' accusing eyes. LOL.

I am so happy with the movie despite having to sit at nearly the VERY END of the FRONT row. I actually have a migraine now because we were so close to the screen that everytime they do the pan-in pan-out camerawork it actually felt like we were walking/flying into that room/manor/whatever.

Such a good excuse to go see it again some other time.



xoxo
Atiqah

Dying old flame.

I walked into the hall completely shocked an in awe of the sheer amount of food there was, and how tantalizingly delicious they all looked. It was Eiduladha, and I obviously chose glorious free food over lectures. It was actually more of a rebellious act, I hesitated to skip the lectures and I didn't expect the food to be anywhere near the level of amazing that it was. I was merely sick of the fact that nobody effing cares that it's our Eid. I mean, what if THEY lived in a place where nobody gave a toss about Christmas, or Thanksgiving?

Smiling from ear to ear (at the food, not at the people), I naturally took two plates and started to fill them up with nasi himpit, kuah kacang, murtabak, satay, daging kurma, kuah lodeh...all the while struggling to balance them in my hands. My eyes were locked on an empty seat and I walked over to it with utmost focus, determined to eat as much food as I can.

There were so many people that I've never seen before in that hall that day, so I didn't take much notice of them, apart from saying hi and 'OH MY GOD THE FOOD' to my friends, who themselves are busy savouring the good food. It was a glorious day for us all, no kidding. The way to the Cork students' hearts are through their tummies. Freaking seriously, man.

As I sat there minding my own business, I heard a male voice calling my name. I looked up, and saw The Old Flame (TOF) staring at me. I frowned my eyebrows and he said,

'Mak, tu Atiqah kat belakang.'

The woman sitting in front of me turned around and I immediately recognized her, and almost as immediately registered the pretty young lady sitting beside her as TOF's younger sister.

'Makcik, hai!' I smiled, thankful that I'd put my other plate full of food on the chair beside me, instead of on my lap. His sister turned to me and said,

'Atiq kan?'

...which confused me a little bit because I've never met her and recognized her simply due to my meticulous facebook stalking skillz. She registered my confused face and explained that TOF told her about me.

This naturally sent my crazy brain into a trainwreck of questions,

'What did he say?'
'When did he told her about me? We haven't talked in ages'
'What did he say?!?!?'

As these questions burned a permanent imprint into my cerebrum, I attempted to make a conversation with his sister. The mother was chatting away with another lady, but she turned to me out of a sudden and said, in a clear voice for everyone to hear,

'Atiqah ni pernah datang rumah, dua kali, kan?'

I nearly died, you guys.

I froze and half-smiled and chortled out a half-hearted awkward laugh and wished I was a ninja so I could blend into the floor, or something.

In reality though, the room was really hectic and noisy, and I'm pretty sure nobody heard what she said. Heck, it doesn't even matter if someone did. This is just me being ridiculous and neurotic, as per usual.

His parents and sister were all really nice, actually. I (somehow!?) ended up joining them for an unplanned day trip to Cobh, and returning to the hall again later that day to eat more food.

TOF claimed his mother and sister are trying to convince him to win me over, but we both fully realize that hell actually have to freeze over for that to happen. Didn't work, couldn't work, and never will.


xoxo
Atiqah

kawan. kawan? kawan.

Oh hey, what is this? A BLOG? I have a BLOG?

Apparently.

I haven't felt much like blogging of late, partly due to having nothing blogworthy to write, partly due to Twitter, etcetera etcetera.

Updates are

1. I broke my 4 year old phone, I bought a blackberry (everytime I told a friend of the price they'd say 'murahnyaa?!!?' - I got lucky, it was on promotion)
2. I broke my 5 year old laptop, I got a new one.

The new laptop, this laptop i'm typing on right now, however, is free, and deserves a whole blog entry dedicated to it.

When my laptop first started to go all psycho on me ('Now I start! Now I shut down! Hahaha...I can do all I like, and you shall suffeeeerrr!' - Laptop) I told Lala over skype about it. Lala goes to RCSI, the private medical college that gives complete lecture notes (unlike our bulleted, scarce ones), fails their students just for the hell of it and accuse them of being a potential terrorist for putting up jihad-themed videos on facebook. some of those are true, some are exagerrations. I'll leave it to your imagination.

Another thing about RCSI is that they give their freshmen a 'free' macbook when they register, and a 'free' HP elitebook when they're in fourth year on the grounds that laptops don't last more than 3 years.

Lala said she'd give me her old Mac if she could but it's broken or something, I can't recall exactly what she said. then she suggested that I ask Shamil for his laptop because he has been lending it to this girl for months, and she'd already bought a new one.

One thing Shamil and I have in common is that we suck at keeping in touch. The last time I saw him was at a sushi place in Dublin last year, along with Lala and Amin. When my laptop really, actually died and refused to turn back on again, I decided to call Shamil. The conversation went something like this:

'Assalamualaikum'

'Waalaikummussalam'

'Hai! Atiq ni. Sihat...?'

'Errr...Atiq. Ni...number Shamil tau?'

Ahahahaha. Yes, we haven't spoken on the phone for THAT long. Sampai he thought I called the wrong number. zzzz.

So I told him about the laptop, he told me who to get it from, and this conversation happened;

'Pinjam eh Shamil!'

'Hmm? Ambik je lah. Bukannya guna pun.'

'Hah?! Biar betul? You sure?'

'Yeap. Just get me good grades aite.'

'GET ME GOOD GRADES' BELIAU CAKAP. Macam bapak ke macam bapak? Haha.

So that is how I ended up with spanking new, barely used, HP elitebook. I was hoping he'd give me his old Macbook but in the end I'm just really really thankful to Allah for what happened.

“Barangsiapa bertakwa kepada Allah, nescaya Dia akan mengadakan baginya jalan keluar. Dan memberi rezeki kepadanya tanpa di sangka-sangka. Dan barangsiapa yang bertawakal kepada Allah, nescaya Allah akan mencukupkannya. Sesungguhnya Allah melaksanakan urusan yang dikehendakiNya. Sesungguhnya Allah telah mengadakan ketentuan bagi tiap-tiap sesuatu.” At-Talaq: 2-3

I find it quite heartbreaking, letting go of that laptop. I held on to it for so long because Tokku bought it for me...it finally gave in and crashed just a few months after Tokku left us :'(



Also, winter is here, guys.


Hugs and love and all that.
Atiq