Revamping Thyself.

Hello hello.

I'm on a ROLL, yeah?

Haritu I wrote an entry about wanting to get my 16-year-old's Determination, right? People in the comments suggested that I just make a new me, which at first I didn't think was a good idea - but then I thought it might be a great idea to build an even better Determination for me, from scratch.

I was never an organized person. I'm all over the place and I procrastinate like its my job. Initially I blame it on my bringing up - there's no structure in my household, at all. I marvel at the fact that my friends have a solid schedule of housechores to do in between herself, her sister and her mom. When I first moved out of my house and to live in a dorm at boarding school, I was perplexed to see that most of my friends make their bed every morning, even when there isn't a dorm check due that day. So I realized that these people were trained by their parents to be disciplined and organized, and I wasn't. I worked hard in school simply because I wanted to escape living under one roof with my dad. I know it sounds terrible, but I was just a kid and life seemed like hell at home back then.

But now I'm all grown up - nearly 23. Sampai bila I want to put the blame on my parents, right? It's about time I be in charge of my life and if I needed a change, I should actively pursue it. If I needed structure and organization, I will find it and train myself to achieve it.

So I tried calling my college's Psychiatry Department to make an appointment, but they haven't returned my call. Please don't be alarmed, they said on their website that they could help with organizing study plans, that's why I wanted an appointment.

Yesterday I went into town and bought two books from Waterstone's - Getting Past OK by Richard Brodie and Getting Things Done by David Allen. I'm going to start reading Getting Past OK first, and everytime I write an entry I would end it with an update on what page I'm on, to make sure I keep going. Though it most probably will be really slow in these two weeks because I have lectures from 9-6 back to back, everyday!

xoxo

Atiqah

Getting Past OK : page 0

reminiscence is a funny word.

I used to think I would remember exactly what happened in my life and exactly what I write about it in my blog, so my 'writing so I can look back at the old days' will just be a ton of bull and it will all just be pointless.

But no. Sometimes I read through my old entries and when I get to the emo ambiguous ones, I actually haven't a clue what/who I was on about.

So yes. I write things so I can look back at the old days, and remember them.

For reals.

x

Blood is thicker than water.

"Hello?"

"Hello darling. How are you?"

"I'm okay. Nda Chik sihat?"

"Nda Chik sihat jah...when are you going back dear?"

"This sunday, Nda Chik"

"Oh...aren't you coming to KL before you go?"

"Not this year, flight Atiq connecting terus from KB-KL-London. Tok dey nok gi jupo Nda Chik...sorry Nda Chik."

"I see. It's okay. Well then, I just wanted to wish you good luck for your exams. Nda Chik doa ko Atiq kat Mekoh haritu."

"Thanks Nda Chik, I really appreciate that."

* * *

"La Atiq nok gi doh ko?"

"Ku."

"Ayahnda bui doh ko juboh Tokku hok Nda Jah wi tu ko Atiq? Atiq kato Atiq nok key hari tu?"

"Ku, ado doh. Terimo kurnio Nda Jah."

"Hmm."

* * *

"Hello?"

"Atiq?"

"Hai Nda We. How are you?"

"I'm okay, thanks. When are you going back to Ireland?"

"Reeeaaally early tomorrow morning, before Subuh lagi. Bakpo Nda We?"

"La yo ko. Nda We nok buat tahlil ko Tokku, ajok ustazah bagi tazkirah Ramadhan semo. tok dey Atiq nok mari."

"Tu lah, I know. Sorry Nda We. Atiq tok rajing pun gi rumoh baru Nda We."

"Nda We sajo call Atiq sebab I heard you were going back. I just wanted to personally thank you for all that you've done for your grandfather. Nda We tok caro ore laing kato gapo, they didn't see how Atiq jago Tokku, how Opie jago Tokku. I am really greatful that you were there for him"

"...I...uhm. You're welcome. I...I wanted to."

* * *

Dear Tokku.

Even though most of what you cried for when you were lying on your bed, worried about what might happen when you finally leave us, has actually happened. All is not lost. The family is still holding, albeit shaky and fragile. I will always try and keep a good front with everyone no matter how difficult or complicated things get, because I know it's what you would want of me. Because I know you were worried bonds will break and ties will unravel, and I won't let it happen. At least not from my part of the deal.

Love. Atiq.

save money, save face.

everyday i check for my results.

by everyday i mean today because my exam just finished yesterday lolwut?

anyway. i was going to tell you about my money saving plans for this year. getting only school fees without any allowance at all from MARA next year means only one thing : i must starve to death this year in order to save up enough to be able to pay for rent and some food next year.

by starving to death i mean spend economically.

i'm the type of person who would buy anything that i like when it comes to things that i need. i don't spend money on frivolous things or on unnecessary amounts of shoes or handbags, but when i do, i spend big.

for example i'd refuse to wear anything but Clarks to hospital because anything else hurts my feet.

and i'm the kind of person who would buy the Colgate Total Whitening Super Clean We're Ripping You Off in the shiny silver box instead of Colgate White in a sad, plain, white box.

this principal applies to most of my things - cereal, pen, softener, biscuits, mayonaisse - i don't buy more than i need, but i almost always buy the more expensive ones, rationalizing it as 'i will like it and will use/eat all of it instead of giving it to someone else halfway through' or 'this is a brilliant investment'.

yeah, i know. i'm annoyed at myself, too.

so last time i went shopping, i put on my You Need To Save Some Money, Crazy Woman imaginary hat on and browsed through the aisles in Dunnes, painfully looking at reduced price and promotional items. picking the sad, plain, white box of Colgate instead of the pretty shiny silver one. reaching for Dunnes' full-of-sugar fake-corn frosted flakes instead of my usual cholesterol reducing Nestle Almond Oatflakes.

i won't lie guys, i nearly cried. it was pretty sad.

(#dramaqueen)

anyway. i don't mean to sound unthankful. just humoring myself with how stupid i was in Dunnes the other day. i'm glad at least i still have food.

when i got to the cashpoint i was pretty proud of the total amount i spent - WAY less than what i'm used to.

so let's hope i can keep this up and save roughly half of my allowance - E400 - per month. so i can pay my own rent next year and not live under my friends' roof at their mercy.

i'll keep you updated on my progress.

(it was also sad to put only half-tudung botol of softener into the washing machine just now, instead of my usuall full-tudung botol, tsk tsk tsk)

p.s. i'm ashamed to say i bought Panadol Advance in the shiny blue box instead of some other cheap paracetamol brands, out of habit. frequent migraine attacks in Ireland means i shop for Panadol along with my usual groceries, yes.


xoxo

Atiqah

the people that matters.

Hey.

So I went and sat for that last oral exam earlier today. I had to wait for two whole hours and my nerves was making me feel ill. It was obvious that i looked exactly like how I felt, because the invigilator was genuinely concerned when she asked whether I was alright.

When I walked into that room, Professor Parfrey smiled and held out his hand and said, as is customary for people of the Irish descent,

'Hello how are you?'

Just like that, with no comma after the hello.

'Good thanks' I lied, and shook his hand.

Professor Hogan, standing right beside him, then held out his hand with a beaming smile on his face. One would think I was there to qualify as top of my class, instead of repeating an exam. I reckon there wasn't much of a difference between the two, though I wouldn't know for sure. He said,

'Hello how are you?'

'Good thanks' I lied again.

then we sat down, and Prof Parfrey began the oral session with,

'Can you tell me about the different classes of anaemia?'

and then it was my turn to beam. I rehearsed this question with Nisa last night.

oh, did I say? I went to her place last night and made her and Dayah stay up late and then stay up after subuh to help me revise. They had my back when I needed them, and I couldn't thank them enough.

I stumbled on a few of the questions, such as this one;

'Do you, by any chance, know the antibodies involved in autoimmune thyroiditis?' Prof Hogan queried.

'I don't. But I can tell you the antibodies involved in autoimmune gastritis.' I smiled. Hopeful, cheeky.

'Alright, tell me about that, then.'


I realized by the end of the oral exam that I did somewhat better than I thought I would, and after I finished answering the final question, Prof Parfrey said;

'Wow, you've learned a lot this summer haven't you?'



I did.






Whatever it is God has fated for me after this, I hope I have the courtesy to say alhamdulillah, or the strength and courage to say astaghfirullah.


Atiqah

langit biru musim panas

hai semua orang. atau. hai tiada orang.

sorry dah lama tak blog. it's a long story. atiq baru balik from my autumn papers. that's right. i'm sitting for the autumn exams again this year.

i don't know what's wrong with me. sekarang hidup tak bermotivasi macam dulu. atiq ingat lagi masa SPM dulu, i was so hardworking. masa dekat KMB yang gila nak mati susah tu, i had A LOT of (highly intelligent) people helping me out when the teachers gave up on me. when i gave up on myself.

but not masa atiq kat msrm pc. i barely had any friends there. i mean, i had friends, for sure. but they're not my friend friend, if you know what i mean. i did it solely with Allah. i even went for qiamullail at the surau regularly, can you believe it? i didn't get much help from my friends, i didn't have a study group. it was just me, God, and a rock-solid determination for success.

i broke a LOT of the school rules, but i worked my arse off back then. i remember sleepless nights solving an endless list of math problems, shouting to myself behind block C trying to memorize the Periodic Table, sitting by myself outside my dorm for the light at 3am.

when did all of that go? when did i start losing myself? i want my determination back. i want to be that person i was when i was barely sixteen. focused, hardworking, reflective.

med school is beginning to hurt me...it's just really difficult. i'd be lying to say there aren't times when i absolutely hated my parents for pushing me this way. but i don't want to live in what ifs. this is the path i have chosen and i must make the best of it.

i need to find myself. i need to find that sixteen year old Atiqah again, and i know she's still here. somewhere, waiting.

i need to find a reason to be struggling this much and to keep fighting so i won't be so vulnerable.

i need a new me.

asap.

rough patch in life

I miss being ridiculous with Opie at home, laughing and crying and worrying and just going through things together because we haven't done that in years.

I hate that she's going through a difficult time right now, but I'm faced with a very important exam and couldn't give her my full attention.

I got to go pray. Blog things will resume soon-ish, I promise.

Atiq