The beginning / The end

Dear blog,

It feels surreal. Right now, this moment. It feels surreal. I still have tears welling up in my eyes, and I cannot believe how fortunate I am. Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah.

When I first started writing this blog five years ago, I was at the lowest point of my life. I was failing medical school, and This Boy that I really, really, liked walked away for another girl. There were moments where I would stare at the veranda of the apartment and thought about jumping out. Moments where I would ride my bike along that curb near River Lee and thought about dashing to the middle of the street so I'd get run over. They were moments I never want to relive and wish would never happen to anyone else, ever.

But I learned a lot about life in that autumn of 2007. About love, family and friendship. Allah sent me an amazing group of people to surround me and make sure I did not give up, so I can live in this moment here, right now.

The very first name that I gave you was 'Bukan. Lagi. Sephia', because at that time I thought The Boy was finally falling for me. I thought he was finally choosing me, after keeping me in the background of his life for so long, despite how close we were. Little did I know that he did not really mean his words when he said he liked me. And that he would, out of the blue, be in a relationship with a different girl a couple of weeks afterwards.

So I renamed you to Bubble Bath soon after, and that was the name that most people have known you for, because it was the name that stuck the longest when your setting was public. I named you that because I used to bathe for hours on end in that bathtub in The Moorings when Kak Cikin and Kak Rose went to work, trying to let the days melt together so I didn't have to actually exist. Sometimes I would fall asleep in it. You helped me heal, blog, and people used to come here to say nice things to me and help me patch my wounds when times are rough. You will always, always, be my Bubble Bath.   

I feel like the reason I haven't blogged so much anymore is because you have been successful in your mission. 

I am healed, blog. I am. And I am eternally grateful.

I just passed medical school. I don't know how I did it, but I did. People are going to start calling me Doctor, and life is not going to get any easier after this, but right now, I am happy. I am content.

And

I am marrying The Boy. He chose me. He looked me in the eye and told me he loved me. I know what you're thinking. Why would I do that? Why would I take him back? 

Because. Because I never stopped loving him. 

But don't worry! I didn't talk to him for a whole year, and rejected him for two years after that, refusing to take his word when he said it was me that he wanted. So I didn't just give him an easy pass, I promise.

I'm not even sure exactly how it happened (as is the case for most things when it comes to me), but, like a beautifully written serendipity, it just fell into place. Swiftly, elegantly.

I'm in a good place in life right now.

Having said all of that, I need to actually come down to the reason why I dropped by today to write this post. I am closing this blog from viewing, forever. I know it is already private right now, and people rarely even visit anymore because I rarely publish entries. But I'm making it official by removing all of the invited readers. 

Even though we went through a lot together, I feel like this is necessary so I can move on to my next phase of life; as a doctor, a wife, a mom (!! are you scared? I know I am). It doesn't mean I'm trying to forget this phase of my life, God no. I believe it was a very, very, important part of my life that has moulded me into the almost completely different (and hopefully better) person that I am right now. But it was also painful and tough, and I wish to step forward from now on, and never look back again.

There are many posts in here that I am quite proud of, and thus I will not be deleting it altogether. It reminds me of my original dream of being a writer, and I will always hold on to it.

Thank you for the good times and the bad times, my loyal Bubble Bath.

Thank you for coming along for the ride.

With all my heart and love,

Dr Tengku Nur 'Atiqah.

MB, BCh, BAO.